4 Men and 2 Babies
by Umeko
Summary: A Sequel to East meets West - D'Eon finds himself babysitting his toddler niece and nephew. What mischief can the twins get into?
1. Letter from Spain

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevailer D'Eon or its characters. If I did, the ending would be very different indeed…

This is an AU, modern times fic and a sequel to East meets West.

In the epilogue of _East meets West_, Maximilien and Lia got married and became the proud parents of twins. This fic is set about 2 years afterwards when the twins are in the terrible twos. Expect an older Robin and more mature Anna at 18.

**1. Letter from Spain**

It started with a letter. It looked innocent enough in its official white envelope and Spanish postmark. Between spoons of cereal, Maximilien browsed through the bills and mail until he came to the letter. He almost knocked over the milk jug in his haste. "Lia, Grandaunt Johanna has passed away in Seville…"

"Aunt Johanna de Loco?" Lia frowned slightly at the mention of Maximilien's eccentric grandaunt. Maximilien Jr gurgled and flicked a spoon of porridge at his sister's face. His twin sister promptly retaliated by emptying her bowl down his front. Little Maximilien wailed as the porridge scalded him. "Natalia! You naughty child!" Lia hurriedly fished her son out of his highchair while Maximilien smacked Natalia lightly across the bottom for her mischief. Parenting a pair of rambunctious two-year-olds was no easy task, even for the high-flying pair of TV anchor Lia and her producer husband Maximilien.

They would miss having Aunt Johanna care for the children when they visited her in Seville. The old dame did have some rather unusual ideas about childrearing, like allowing the kids to potter freely about her old-fashioned kitchen with its hot stoves and butcher knives and frolic with her dogs in the garden. Natalia crawled into the oven once when the old lady was baking cookies. Thankfully, Lia was on hand to yank her daughter out before the gas was turned on. And her brother almost drowned when he tumbled into the cider barrel, head-first. If it weren't for Maximilien Sr. popping in just in time to haul his son out by the heels… And the garden! The tots never had so much dirt on them, and Aunt Johanna's Great Dane hauling little Max about by his rompers while Natalia had her little head thoroughly licked by that Rottweiler.

"Well, the good news, _Mon Cherie_, is that she left the twins a sizeable trust fund for their college education," Maximilien announced.

"That's so sweet of her!" Lia exclaimed. "The bad news is that my loser of a cousin Carl is alleging that we influenced Aunt Johanna's decision and she's mentally unsound when she made her will," Maximilien added. "He was to inherit her estate before she disowned him."

"That will never do! We have to go to the lawyers and sort this mess out!" Lia said as she changed her son's clothes. "The lawyer's in Seville. We have to make a trip there… we could take a few days off and bring the kids…" Maximilien mused.

"No, we can't… the kids have to take their booster shots next week… There is no telling how long we have to stay… Oh, I really wish Anna hadn't taken up that job at the clinic," Lia bounced her son on her hip and dropped a kiss into her daughter's hair. Their regular babysitter was no longer available. An idea popped into her mind…

_Maybe they could go to Seville, without the twins… D'Eon could never turn his sister down. _

* * *

"Bonjour, D'Eon. Hope you got the drinks and chips ready!" Durand's voice bellowed over the phone. "We'll be there ten-ish… once I convince our young man here that roast ham is a must for all gatherings!"

"But I'm vegetarian!" Robin's voice chirped in the background. "If you don't eat your bacon and eggs, you'll continue sounding like a chipmunk," Durand teased. "How about some pate fois gras?"

"Just bring the wine and potato chips, is Teillagory coming too?" D'Eon enquired. "Nope, the man's a staunch Ocelot fan. I can't figure out why. I mean they have never made the French Premier finals since 1950. I lost big time on the semi-finals Marseilles Drakes versus the Ocelots. The old man will be hanging out at the Café de Rouen with the other old geezers who still remember the 1950's game."

"Maybe that's why," D'Eon grinned as he bid the pair goodbye. It was the day of the big game between the Parisian Wolves and Orleans Ocelots. He hung up and went back into the kitchen to finish up cooking the salsa for the chips. They would gather with the intent of catching the French Cup on D'Eon's new flat-screen plasma TV and cheering on their favourite team Parisian Wolves. Chips, salsa and the beer in the fridge would provide good refreshment.

Durand had been promoted and was now special effects manager at Vee-TV. Robin had turned vegetarian as part of his growing interest in Buddhist spirituality, much to his Catholic grandfather's disgust and Durand's amusement. Durand just would not stop trying to tempt the poor teen with meat pies, fragrant hams and roast goose. To his credit, Robin has yet to cave in. However, Lia said it was probably a passing phase? Hadn't she explored Zen Buddhism during her Japanese student exchange? She was still a Catholic, wasn't she? Not exactly practising but Christian all the same.

D'Eon stepped through the living room. His apartment was small but cosy. Actually, it was Maximilien's old apartment which he let out to D'Eon for free. D'Eon was still unemployed and looking for a job after he graduated from his liberal arts course. Lia had suggested that he sign up at Vee-TV but he was not too keen on following Lia into showbiz. Not after he had stood in for her, in a dress. The furniture in his apartment was also Maximilien's old stuff, except for the plasma TV. D'Eon had won that in a lucky draw.

The doorbell rang. _That was fast!_ D'Eon put down the bowl of salsa he was mixing, rinsed his hands and wiped them on his apron. "Coming!" he undid the latch.

"Lia? Max?" The couple stood at the door, each carrying one offspring. The little boy was dressed in a natty sailor suit while his sister sported a matching sailor-dress. They were sucking on matching pacifiers. In addition, Maximilien was carrying a large bag over his shoulder. Lia was carrying a cooler. "D'Eon, we have a train to catch," Lia said brusquely. She almost thrust Natalia into his face and started rattling off a list of instructions. Maximilien was biting his lower lip to stifle his laughter at the apron D'Eon was wearing. The apron sported red hearts and a pair of heart-shaped pockets. The English words 'KISS THE COOK' were printed over D'Eon's chest. D'Eon ripped off the garment and stuffed it behind the sofa once he realised the source of his brother-in-law's amusement.

"Could you loan that to Lia someday?" Maximilien asked. "She can keep it…" D'Eon replied and placed his niece on the sofa.

"D'Eon, are you listening?" Lia asked. "Never mind, I wrote it all down just in case. Don't forget to take them to the clinic for their booster shots this afternoon. You still have the playpen Maximilien set up in his study, right?" she thrust a thick notebook at D'Eon.

"Yes…" D'Eon's thoughts immediately went to the former study which had since been converted into a storeroom. Maximilien had set up the playpen expecting Lia to move in with him. However, he eventually moved in with Lia at her apartment when D'Eon moved out. The playpen was left behind to be buried under the debris the previous tenant and later D'Eon had accumulated. Maximilien allowed his son to sit on the sofa beside his little girl.

"You could just put them inside. They will be no trouble at all…" Lia placed the cooler on the kitchen countertop. "Here's their breast milk…"

"Breast milk?"

"Yes, D'Eon. Are you listening?" Lia snapped. "We have a plane to catch! Make sure they get their mother's milk…"

"At the age of two?"

"Yes, I believe in giving my kids the very best nutrition, up to the age of three and above…" Lia replied tartly and glared at D'Eon.

"Your sister is a bit grouchy after sitting up all night expressing that milk," Maximilien placed a reassuring hand on his wife's shoulder and stroked her hair. "We will be gone for three days and back by Thursday. You still have the keys to our place, don't you?" D'Eon nodded.

"You could drop by our place if you need more clothes for them. The children's stuff is in the nursery," Maximilien said. "We really must go…" he gently steered Lia to the door. D'Eon heard the door click shut. _Well, how bad could caring for two toddlers be?_ D'Eon thought. He could leave them on the sofa while he dug out the playpen…

He strolled out to the living room just in time to catch twins in the act of climbing up onto the window sill. "No!" D'Eon dashed forward to grab one twin in each arm. He looked through the open window to see Lia and Maximilien Sr. getting into their car seven storeys below. Lia cast her eyes upwards to the window.

"Wave to mama and papa," D'Eon said shakily. The twins obediently waved their small hands at their parents. Natalia even made a show of blowing kisses to her parents. D'Eon let out at audible sigh of relief. That was close. Lia would definitely kill him if any of the twins were to fall to their deaths within minutes of being entrusted to his care. The blissfully oblivious parents revved up their Austin and started off for Charles de Gaulle airport.

* * *

"Whatever shall I do with you?" D'Eon said to the tots after he shut and fastened the windows firmly. He browsed through the detailed instructions Lia had written in the notebook. Well, well… the tots have an appointment at the paediatric clinic on Champs-Élysées, _where Anna's working…_ Maybe there was an upside to this caper. The twins sucked on their pacifiers and stared curiously at their uncle. Quietly, they slipped off the sofa and tottered to the kitchen.

"Max? Natalia?" D'Eon looked up from reading the notebook to find both tots gone from the living room. Sensing trouble, he hastened to the kitchen. There was a loud crash of breaking glass.

"No!" D'Eon stared at the mess in the kitchen. The shattered salsa bowl lay upside down on the floor between the twins. The twins' smart white sailor suits were smeared with its contents, as were their hands and innocent-looking faces. D'Eon grabbed both tots, hurried them to the bathroom and stripped them to their diapers. They looked as like as two peas in a pod with their halo of blond hair and blue eyes. Grateful that they had no injuries from the broken bowl, he proceeded to clean their faces and hands. He was sure there was a spare change of clothes in the bag their parents left. He went to fetch the clothes.

**Author's Notes:**

D'Eon has his work cut out for him. The twins are in their terrible twos. At that age, kids are starting to explore their world and walk, getting into loads of trouble. Double trouble.

Expect more hilarious capers with our Musketeers babysitting.


	2. Double Trouble

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevailer D'Eon or its characters.

**2. Double Trouble**

"Natalia, please stop squirming!" D'Eon exclaimed as the tot howled and struggled. Teeth sank into his hand. "Ow!" D'Eon yelped. But his work was done.

"There! Don't you look pretty? Who's a pretty little princess? You are, yes you are…" D'Eon cooed. Dressed in a lacy candy-pink frock, the tot glared sullenly at him. The other twin had proven to be more cooperative and D'Eon had elected to dress him in a plaid shirt and blue shorts. He sucked placidly on his pacifier and reached over to place a hand on his sister's shoulder. Natalia resignedly placed up her discarded pacifier and popped it into her mouth. D'Eon dumped the soiled clothes in the tub to be dealt with later.

"Come along now…" he took the twins by their hands and walked them to the living room. He had found some toys in the bag. He placed a teddy bear next to Maximilien Jr. and a rag doll beside Natalia. "Uncle D'Eon has some work to do. Stay here…" he switched the TV on and tuned it to a kiddy channel. "Do you like Sesame Street? _Sunny day…_" D'Eon started singing off-key. Both toddlers pummelled him with their soft toys. "Alright, what about Disney channel? Oh, they are showing the Hunchback of Notre Dame… maybe this is too scary…" he changed the channel. He was pummelled by little fists.

"I get it. You want to watch the movie!" he switched the channel back. Mollified, the twins settled back on the sofa. _Hope it is not too scary for them…_ The twins looked like a pair of golden-haired cherubs. D'Eon hurried back to the bathroom to scrub the salsa out of their clothes.

_DING-dong! _

"_The bells of Notre Dame…"_ Clopin sang on screen as the movie opened. In the bathroom, D'Eon wrung out the twins' garments and hung them up to dry. He did not hear the doorbell. It was drowned out by the TV. Naturally, the twins did not open the door even though they heard it. They were taught by their parents not to open doors if they don't know who's on the other side. Both children were too small to peer through the peephole.

_DING-dong! Ding-dong!_

* * *

"What's taking D'Eon so long?" Durand grumbled as he staggered under his burden of wine, champagne and chips. "I'll try again. I'm certain he's in…" Robin rang the bell again.

"Maybe something bad happened to him. We all know how he attracts trouble like a lightning rod," Durand handed his load to Robin and rolled up his sleeves. "Maybe he is lying out cold in the kitchen, bleeding to death, gassed or something, I'm going in…" the brunette backed up the hall for a running start.

* * *

Meanwhile inside the apartment, D'Eon emerged from the bathroom to find the twins pointing at the front door. "Is someone at the door?" Both tots nodded their cherubic heads solemnly. It was ten-thirty. Durand and Robin should be arriving anytime.

D'Eon opened the front door of his apartment just in time for Durand to barrel straight into him. Closing his eyes, Robin winced at sounds of a loud crash and shattering glass. The children started bawling. Opening his eyes, he peered into the apartment and took in the devastation. The armchair was tipped over. D'Eon and Durand were moaning and lying in a tangle of limbs amidst glass shards. _Glass?_ Robin detected a whiff of burning circuitry. He looked up at the wall where the plasma TV should be.

"Oh, F-king hell!" he let loose a curse. The apartment's heavy antique hat-stand had smashed into the TV screen. The TV was beyond repair. Both toddlers stopped wailing and stared at Robin. "You did not hear what I just said," Robin said to the twins. The tots shook their heads solemnly. Lia and Maximilien would not be amused if the first words out of their children's mouths were curse words.

"D'Eon, the big game is in ten minutes! We need another TV, pronto!" Durand cried out. D'Eon looked up from where he was sweeping up the debris. "There is one in the room over there."

"Gee, thanks…" Durand opened the door to the former study. "Whoa! When did you last clear out this place? The French Revolution?" The room was chock-full of all manner of junk. "I believe it was during the last Ice Age," Robin chirped. "How about trying the neighbours?" Finding the TV in that mess would take the entire summer.

"No luck there, the Bruces and Galens are away for the summer. And old Monsieur Montspeller doesn't have a TV," D'Eon replied. "I do have a working radio…"

"How about the other floors?" Durand tried as he hefted a plastic skeleton aside and stepped over a collection of wooden figurines. Robin dodged as a large beach umbrella was dislodged from the top of the pile and tumbled down.

"Gee, most of the apartments are empty in summer. The students on level 8 got tickets to see the game at the stadium, so they'll be out. There're the Turkish siblings on level 6. Oh, the brothers are still mad at you for insulting their sister's modesty at the disco…"

"Hey, she was the one groping me after one drink too many," Durand protested. "Go tell that to seven big strapping guys who want to lynch you from the nearest lamp post," Robin added wickedly. "Oh, I believe I spy an old TV set near your feet, Durand. Under the surfboard. You just gotta dig it out."

"The voodoo high-priestess Madame Henrietta in the basement just got a new TV. But she's an Ocelot fan and you two did set her off the last time giving her black poodle that awful clip," D'Eon added. "While we're in there, we should look out for the playpen as well…" he turned on the radio just in time to catch the kick-off.

"I'll get some beer first," Durand hurried to the kitchen. "Watch out for the…" D'Eon's words were barely out of his mouth when there was a horrendous crash from the kitchen. Durand had unerringly slipped on the salsa the twins had spilled earlier. "The twins' milk!" D'Eon cried out in dismay when he saw that Durand had knocked over the cooler. The bottles of breast milk were scattered and milk was spilled all over the floor and the hapless Durand. _What was he going to feed the twins for milk now?_

"_The Ocelots score!"_ the sports announcer bellowed over the radio. _"In the opening minute of the game!"_

Natalia toddled over to Robin and tugged on his sleeve. "D'Eon, I think she did a stinky…" Robin wafted his hand before his face when the stench hit him. "Er, the diapers are in that bag, as are the wipes and powder… could you help me change her?"

"What?" Robin blanched. "Hey, kid, we are little busy in here now," Durand called out as D'Eon wiped him off with paper towels. "Good God above…" Robin gritted his teeth and reached for the bag. He could get through this, couldn't he? The tot was obligingly lying down and lifting her lacy skirt up for a diaper-change. "You guys get to change the next one!" Robin tossed back those words to Durand and D'Eon before he took a deep breath. _This was accumulating good karma, right?_ He gingerly undid the soiled diaper.

"Hey, D'Eon. There is something you must know about your little girl!" the redhead stoically bagged the soiled diaper for the trash and reached for the baby powder and diaper.

"What?" Both blond and brunette emerged from the kitchen with beers and chips in hand.

"'She' has a birdie. You put Max Jr. in a dress," Robin announced as he powdered the tot's backside. "Whoa, is cross-dressing a family tradition?" Durand jested and punched D'Eon lightly on the shoulder. "Darn, I must have mixed them up earlier when changing their clothes," D'Eon placed his hands under the toddler's armpits and lifted him high up in the air for a look. Maximilien Jr. did not allow this opportunity at revenge to go to waste. A stream of urine sprayed D'Eon in the chest.

"Oh dear, he did a little piddle on you," Durand chuckled. D'Eon handed the toddler over to Durand and undid his shirt. "Please, help me change their clothes round…" D'Eon fled for the bathroom.

"_A goal, no, a save by the Ocelots' goalkeeper!"_ the radio blared.

* * *

About half-time, Durand and Robin managed to dig out and set up the old TV. The picture was shaky and sound raspy, but at least it worked. Both twins, now properly dressed in clothes befitting their gender, left to their own devices, had dozed off due to the heat. Robin opened one of the windows as the room was getting stuffy with the air-con out of service. Durand wore his shirt open while Robin stripped to his singlet. It was a hot summer. D'Eon emerged from a quick shower wearing only his shorts. "How's the score?"

"Three-nil. The Ocelots are chewing the Wolves up big-time," Robin shrugged. "Maybe the tide will turn after half-time," Durand said hopefully.

* * *

In Spain, the twins' parents were collecting their luggage from the carousel.

"Oh Max, I do hope the children aren't too much trouble for D'Eon," Lia mused as they joined the queue at Customs. "Relax, _mon Cherie_…" Maximlien reassured his wife. "D'Eon can take care of things at home. You left the milk and the timetable with him, didn't you?"

"Yes, my nipples are still sore from expressing all that milk. Lucky thing they don't need that much now they are eating more solid foods," Lia remarked. "I even put Natalia in a dress so he could tell them apart," she giggled. Even she mixed them up at times.

"True, what is the worst that can happen?" Maximilien added. "Want me to kiss your nipples better?" he whispered. "Max, you cheeky rogue," Lia smiled. "Maybe later, at the hotel…" It has been a long while since they could spend so much time as a couple._ Wherever did the time go ever since the twins came along? _

* * *

"Hey, D'Eon, you'll never mix them up again," Robin announced triumphantly as he capped his marker. "Robin," D'Eon asked. "Could you help me with the veggie chips please?" Robin nodded and went to get the chips-and-dip. Durand had been sent down to the corner store for infant formula for the twins' next feeding.

The twins yawned, rubbed sleep from their eyes and sat up. Natalia tugged at her brother's collar. The letters MAX was written on the back of his neck. She sucked her pacifier thoughtfully and turned around so Maximilien could inspect her neck. The letters LIA was written on her neck. Both twins looked about the room with their blue eyes. They soon spotted Robin's discarded marker…

"The trick is in the heat, too hot and the chips will burn… Oh my God!" D'Eon almost dropped the bowl he was holding when he saw the striped and spotted faces of the twins. The infants had been scrawling on each other's faces with Robin's marker.

D'Eon prayed the ink was water-soluble. He seized the toddlers and carried them into the bathroom to have their faces scrubbed with soap and water. The twins howled their indignation at the unscheduled wash. "Max! Stop biting! Natalia, don't you start too!"

"How's the score?" Durand asked when Robin opened the door to him. "_Les enfants terrible_ one, D'Eon de Beaumont zero," Robin replied. "I meant the soccer match," Durand clarified. "Five-nil, Wolves getting trounced. Eight more minutes to go."

A dishevelled D'Eon emerged from the bathroom with his bare chest glistening with water and carrying a bawling tot in each arm. "Got the milk?" he asked.

"_Oui_, _monsieur_," Durand replied. "Make two bottles pronto!" the blond said frantically. As one, the twins turned their faces towards D'Eon's chest and sank their little teeth into the tender flesh round his nipples. "OW!" D'Eon yelped in agony as the twins tried in vain to nurse. "Got it," Durand winced in sympathy and hurried to the kitchen. _Poor D'Eon._

"Dissolve three tablespoons in hot water…" Durand read the instructions off the tin and fumbled with the milk bottle. "Could you please hurry up?" D'Eon yelped and tried to disengage the twins but the tots only bit harder. Finally convinced that their uncle was not delivering the drinks they sought, they burst into tears. D'Eon set them down on the sofa and rubbed his sore nipples. A ring of little red welts surrounded each from the toddlers' teeth.

"Here comes the milk!" Durand announced as he emerged from the kitchen with one bottle. The twins stopped bawling and stared at the bottle longingly. Both Maximilien and Natalia reached out with their chubby baby hands to be fed. "We need another one," Robin warned. Durand handed the nearest tot, Natalia, the bottle. Maximilien Jr. immediately fell on top of his sister in an attempt to wrest the bottle from her. Natalia retaliated heartily by tugging at her brother's blond locks.

D'Eon hurried into the kitchen to prepare another bottle of formula. Durand grabbed Maximilien Jr. and Robin went for Natalia. They pulled the infant combatants apart. Natalia waved her bottle aloft in a little victory dance while Maximilien blew a raspberry at her. "There, there, you will get your bottle soon," Durand reassured the boy.

**Author's Notes:**

Poor D'Eon. Mixing up Natalia and Max Jr. will not endear him to his nephew. What other antics will the twins get up to? Maybe the guys need a more experienced man, like Teillagory about?


	3. Pizza and Panache

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevailer D'Eon or its characters.

Enter Teillagory.

**3. Pizza and Panache **

"Peace and quiet at last," Robin grinned wearily as he watched the twins suck on their bottles. The pair had taken to the bottled formula readily. D'Eon was busy in the kitchen cleaning up. Durand was swigging a beer dejectedly. The game had ended with the Ocelots making off with the French Cup. "My grandpa is going to collect those hundred euros from you soon," Robin taunted.

"Guys, do you mind helping me watch the kids while I dig out the playpen?" D'Eon emerged from the kitchen wearing an Ocelots T-shirt. "Traitor!" Durand pounced on him. "Anna gave this to me!" D'Eon pleaded.

"Hey, knock it off!" Robin urged.

Unnoticed by them, Natalia finished her bottle. She placed the bottle aside and pulled off her soiled diapers. She padded over to the open window and flung the stinky diaper out.

Seven floors down, a beret-wearing old gentleman was on his way to D'Eon's to collect his winnings from Durand when Natalia's diaper hit him full on the head.

* * *

_DING-dong! _"I'll get it!" D'Eon wriggled out from under Durand and made for the door. He opened it wide.

"Monsieur Teillagory?" D'Eon gasped. "I would like to use your shower and a change of clothes… I presume you will not know anything about this?" the old man pointed at the diaper draped over his beret. D'Eon turned his attention to the toddlers.

"Natalia!"

The little girl was perched on the sofa, diaper-less. Her face was scrunched up with intense concentration. She was in the process of relieving her bowels on the upholstery. "Argh!" D'Eon grabbed the child and yelled for a diaper. Durand and Robin made a mad dash for the baby-bag. Meanwhile, Maximilien Jr. had also divested himself of his diaper and was peeing into Durand's ignored beer can.

"You should consider toilet-training them…" Teillagory loped off to the shower.

"Here's the diaper-bag, D'Eon," Robin returned with the diapers. "Er, I think Max Jr. wants to go too…"

"Again? I thought he just went," D'Eon moaned as he packed a diaper round Natalia's bottom before turning his attention to Max. The little boy had decided to use the large bowl of chips as a makeshift potty. "Max, no!"

_Too late…_ "Phew, we need some air here!" Robin hurried to throw open all the windows in the apartment. The stench on top of the heat made the apartment unbearable.

"How difficult can caring for these two be? Max told me he had Anna come in to watch them every fortnight for three hours so he and Lia could go to the theatre…" Durand grumbled and took a sip from his beer can. "Damn this heat wave. Even my beer's gone sour…"

"Taking care of _les enfants_ is easy, if you're a female… I have some luck toilet-training puppies… I mean, kids are good for going to the ball game or fishing with, after they are toilet-trained," Teillagory said. "My poor beret will need a thorough dry-cleaning. Know any drycleaners not on strike nearby?"

"Nguyen and Sons' in the next block, first floor," D'Eon replied.

* * *

Teillagory emerged from the shower wearing a faded Foreign Legion T-shirt. "Where did that come from?" Durand asked. "Hand-me-down from Maximilien…" D"Eon explained. The blond man hurriedly tidied up and re-diapered the twins. "We really need that play-pen before they get into any more mischief." The twins shot their uncle a wide-eyed look of sweet innocence.

"Think I found it!" Robin dragged a mishmash of plastic, webbing and fabric out of the storeroom. "No, that is a tent," Durand corrected. "It's the same one Max and I used for that wildlife gig in the forest. "Yup, still has the stitches from that wild boar attack." He patted a row of stitches.

"We could pop them inside and zip them in, couldn't we?" Robin suggested. "I could set it up in no time…"

"Guys, the twins have an appointment at the doctor's at three o'clock. What say I call pizza for lunch, my treat for helping me with the tots?"D'Eon asked. It was past lunch-time.

"Great, I want vegetarian," Robin chirped. "Give me a BBQ supremo," Durand said and passed D'Eon twenty euros. "Mon ami, I can't let you treat me if you are still jobless…"

"I'll pass," Teillagory said. "Ate lunch at the Café de Rouen. Chef Philippe's duck in orange sauce is to die for. Robin, send my beret to the Nguyen drycleaner please." He handed Robin his bagged beret. Robin pulled a face.

D'Eon grabbed the phone and dialled the number of his usual pizza eatery.

* * *

"Louie! Get your sorry butt here! Send these pizzas out pronto!" the chef of Le Italino shouted at their newest deliveryman. Louie Capet, once husband to Marie and CEO of Vee-TV, staggered under the dozen pizza boxes as he made his way to his scooter. "And if you see that lazy pig Cagliostro about town, tell him I want him back immediately or he's fired. He's been missing for two hours!"

"Le Basket, 13 Guillotine Avenue, one regular anchovy, three olives…" Louie ran through the orders as he zipped about the city. "14, Templar Boulevard, one extra large Mushroom Cheezy… Apartment 7A, Liberty Lodging, 18… wait, this one looks familiar…"

Reaching Liberty Lodging, the former CEO walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the 7th floor. Reaching the 7th floor, he walked over to and rang the bell of apartment 7A. _DING-dong!_

The door swung open and the hapless pizza deliveryman was sprayed with a water pistol by a grinning Maximilien Jr. "I'm so sorry…" D'Eon apologized. "I told you handing him a water pistol was a mistake," he said accusingly over his shoulder to a grinning Durand. Louie blanched when he saw Robin, Durand and Teillagory looking at him. They had recognized their former CEO.

"Here's your pizza…" he handed the pizzas to D'Eon. "Great! We're starved," Durand loped over to the door. "Here's the money with the tip," Durand grinned as he paid the deliveryman. "Oh, Marie sends her regards. Do you still owe her child support? Of course she's doing better than ever without you. The same is true for Auguste," he jibed. "Adieu," he slammed the door in the man's face.

"Durand, that was mean," Teillagory said pointedly as he tried to fend off Natalia's attempts to pull his moustache off his face. "Well, revenge is sweet served cold," Durand replied grimly. The numerous insults Louie had heaped upon him when he was a struggling sound technician in Vee-TV were not easily forgotten. Teillagory yawned. The heat was making him drowsy. Losing interest in the moustache, Natalia bounded off his lap to seek out her brother in rummaging through a box of odds and ends.

"Let's eat!" Robin immediately grabbed a slice of vegetarian pizza.

* * *

At St Germaine and Dashwood Clinic…

Dr St Germaine checked his schedule. "Dr Dashwood, we have the Robespierre twins coming in later… do you want to take them? I don't." His partner blanched. "My insurance doesn't cover that. Let's do a coin toss. Heads, you take them. Tails, I take them… Hold a sec…"

The older partner walked over to the door of their office. "Miss Rochefort? Do you have a coin on you? Yes? Good, good…"

Dashwood returned with a coin from Anna. He was about to toss it when St Germaine stopped him. "Wait, let's get someone to toss it for us. Brother Whitehead!"

"Sorry, Brother Whitehead handed in his resignation. Seems he feels safer signing up for a security job in Iraq," Dr Dashwood said wryly. "Must be the Robespierre brats. He was never the same since he got bashed on the head with that kiddie bat… Mademoiselle Rochefort, please come in a moment," he called for their receptionist.

"What may I help you with?" Anna asked as she walked in. "We need you to toss a coin for us," Dr Dashwood said. "Here goes…" Anna tossed the coin. "Heads!" Dashwood crowed with joy at the result. St Germaine let out a moan. "_Merci, Mademoiselle_, you may return to your post…" The younger doctor resigned himself to his fate. He walked over to a cloak-closet and pulled out a rugby helmet and breastplate. A puzzled Anna left the room.

"Don't forget the codpiece unless you don't want grandchildren," Dashwood reminded with a wicked smirk. "After meeting those little devils, I am not even sure I want kids," St Germaine replied. Still he took out the codpiece. The memory of bruised balls from the twins' last appointment was still fresh in his mind.

* * *

"They don't sound pleased," D'Eon stared doubtfully at the tent as it shook and shuddered. The twins wailed their indignation from within. "Relax, D'Eon. Like puppies, they need some discipline. A bit of punishment to show them who the boss is…" Teillagory stroked his sore upper lip. The final straw came when Maximilien and Natalia tried ripping Teillagory's moustache off with duct tape while he slumbered.

"Gramps, perhaps if I trim the other side to match, it would not be that bad," Robin suggested.

"There is still that appointment…" D'Eon suggested. "Teillagory, could I borrow your car please?"

"Yes but I'll drive, thank you very much," the old man replied. "Do you happen to have a child seat?"

"No…" D'Eon frowned as an image of the twins bouncing about the inside of Teillagory's Renault popped into his mind. "Can't be helped then…" Teillagory lifted a coil of rope from a pile of camping gear in the storeroom. "I am not driving about Paris with two unsecured imps in the backseat."

"You intend to tie them up? That's too much, isn't it?" D'Eon said with a frown. "Not really… I will fashion a petite harness each and strap them onto two brave volunteers, preferably strong adult males," Teillagory patted D'Eon and Durand on the shoulder in turn.

* * *

"Don't touch there, OW!" Durand yelped in agony when Maximilien Jr. found something interesting in his pants pocket. "Keep it down in the back," Teillagory chided. "He's pinching my balls!" Durand whined as the little nipper continued his exploration.

"I told you should have fastened him on the other way. Face to face is too risky," D'Eon said as he tried to stop Natalia from throwing the street directory out the open window. At least she wasn't trying to rip off his balls. Natalia reached over to the front seat. "Argh! D'Eon, your niece is trying to scalp me!" Robin yelped in pain as Natalia ripped out a baby-fistful of red hair from his head.

"Are we there yet?" Durand moaned. Thankfully, Maximilien Jr. had lost interest in his attempt to castrate his human child-seat. He then noticed Durand's new ear piercing and… "Aargh! He's ripped off my ear." Blood oozed from Durand's torn earlobe as Maximilien Jr. waved his prize, Durand's dangly cross earring, aloft.

"Well, well, here we are…" Teillagory nonchalantly nudged his vehicle into a parking space a block away from the clinic. "Better get that ear stitched up, Durand…" D'Eon held his hanky to Durand's wound to staunch the bleeding. They disembarked and Teillagory untied the twins from D'Eon and Durand. The twins went quiet when they saw the façade of the Rocco-style building housing the clinic. They apparently decided to save their energy to give their paediatrician hell in a short while. The twins followed their uncle obediently in through the revolving doors. They entered the clinic without further incident.

"Anna?" D'Eon gasped when he stepped into the clinic. Anna looked up from her work.

"D'Eon? Oh, you brought the twins for their appointment," Anna beamed beatifically at the children. The twins put on their best innocent faces for their favourite babysitter. "Lia is away. Urgent business…" D'Eon explained. "Dr St Germaine will see the twins shortly." Anna chirped. "They are little angels, aren't they?"

"Sure…" D'Eon lied. Durand stepped in at this instant. "Durand! You are bleeding!" Anna exclaimed. She walked out from behind the counter and took a look at his ear. "You are walking funny too… did you pull a muscle?"

"Had a little accident playing with little Max… got a doctor about?" Durand said. "Here's your queue number…" Anna cranked out a slip of paper from a machine. "The prices are a bit steep here for a consultation…" she warned.

"Put it on D'Eon's tab. He could claim it back from his sis when she gets back," Durand said as he hobbled off to a bench.

"Oh my, Monsieur Teillagory, Robin, your moustache, your hair…" Anna gasped at the sight of Robin's bald patch where Natalia had ripped his hair out and the old man's lopsided moustache. "We'll be at the barber's fixing this… would four be a good time to pick up D'Eon and the tykes?" Teillagory asked.

"Yes, the check-up shouldn't take too long," Anna smiled. "Dr St Germaine should call them in any time now." The twins toddled over to the waiting room benches and sat down. Max Jr. selected a Madeline picture book from the coffee table and the pair started browsing through the pages like well-behaved children. They sucked on their pacifiers quietly and watched their elders and fellow patients potter about the waiting room.

Inside the doctor's office, Dr St Germaine strapped on his protective gear as if armouring up for battle. He took his rosary out of its drawer, kissed the little silver cross for luck and rang the bell which would summon the twins in for their check-up and scheduled booster shots.

**Author's Notes:**

The twins are little devils, aren't they? They'll only be angels for Anna, and maybe their parents. Even the doctors are terrified of them.


	4. Little Angels

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters.

**4. Little Angels**

"That went amazingly well," D'Eon breathed a sigh of relief when the consultation was finally over. Clearly, he was not the only relieved one. He caught the doctor offering up a prayer of thanksgiving with his rosary in hand as they left the office. "What do you mean, D'Eon?" Anna asked in bewilderment. She had been asked by Dr St Germaine to assist him in the office prepping the twins for their jabs. "I expected them to cry," D'Eon said. _And maybe bite the doc…_ All they got were a few muffled sniffles and quiet tears.

"Natalia and Max are brave children, aren't you?" Anna turned her attention to the twins. She kissed them on the forehead in turn as they rubbed at their slightly sore shoulders. "Would you like a Barney or Snoopy Band-Aid for the little boo-boo?" Anna pulled out a collection of colourful plasters from below her counter. Natalia selected a Disney Princess Band-Aid. Maximilien chose a Smurfs design. Anna then presented them with a fruit pop each for being such good children.

"D'Eon, where's my earring?" Durand asked as he emerged from having his ear stitched. "Oops, I think he still has it," D'Eon said. In the chaos of the car, he had forgotten about the earring.

"Hey, Maximilien, give me back my earring," the brunette demanded of the little boy.

"Uh-uh," Maximilien Jr. shook his head. "Durand, you should set an example for them. Try asking politely," Anna suggested. "Maximilien, please return me my earring," Durand asked again. This time the little boy rubbed his tummy. D'Eon blanched. _Max Jr. better not has done what he thinks he did._ He hurriedly turned all the boy's pockets inside out and found nothing. Max looked up at his elders through soulful blue eyes. It was Durand who voiced D'Eon's fears. "Lord! I think he swallowed it!"

"Dr. St Germaine, we have a case of possible ingestion of a foreign body…" Anna immediately dialled Dr St Germaine's office number. "Yes, doctor. The patient is aged two. I'll inform Caron to give him an X-ray…" Anna took Maximilien into her arms and carried him over to the radiology room. "Now, now, don't fret…" she coaxed. The boy seemed to be terrified at the notion of being apart from his twin. Natalia tottered after them. "Natalia, you'll get in the way…" D'Eon went after her as she narrowly missed being run over a trolley.

They had to wait outside. Natalia was practically clawing at the door as D'Eon tried to comfort her. Inside, Anna tried to soothe Maximilien's fears as Caron prepared him for the X-ray. "It'll take a while to develop. What did the kid swallow?" Caron glanced at a distraught and flailing Maximilien on the examining bed. "A spiky cross-shaped earring," Anna replied. She recalled Durand picking that one up at the store where she last worked at. He had worn it ever since. It could be bad. "Does it hurt, Max?" Anna asked. The tot did not reply. He tried to climb off the bed.

"All clear," Caron announced finally when the film came out. "No cross or earrings down his tummy. It'll cost his parents though."

Maximilien ran almost full-tilt into Natalia as soon as Anna took him out. The twins hugged each other fiercely and showered baby kisses over each other. "Aw, they are so close," Anna smiled.

Teillagory and Robin strolled in through the main door. Robin now sported a crew-cut while Teillagory had his moustache trimmed and waxed. "Durand, I found this in the car," Robin handed the earring to Durand. "Merci, I thought the kid swallowed it," Durand pocketed the earring. His ear was going to be sore for a while.

* * *

"They behaved like angels for Anna," Robin glared at the twins when they finally got into the car. The twins sucked on their fruit pops placidly. "Why couldn't you behave the same for us?" the redhead hugged Natalia gingerly, wary of any exploring fingers. Durand had declined a lift back to his place, insisting he had to meet a friend in the neighbourhood. D'Eon smiled weakly and held Max Jr. close as Teillagory made a quick turn.

"Little girls do smell kind of nice, do they? Or is it just the fruit pops?" Robin yawned. "Can they talk yet? Imagine if you teach them to talk and they greet their ma and pa when they get back from Spain…"

"Well…" D'Eon thought back. Lia had not said anything about the twins speaking yet. But then, Lia and Max did not believe in rushing things for their children. Neither were they the type of parents who blew trumpets for every achievement their offspring did as a huge milestone. D'Eon had not asked Anna about the twin's speech development too. Two years was a good time for a tot to start talking.

"Can you say papa or mama?" he tried coaxing Max Jr. into speech. Max Jr. pulled out his fruit pop and opened his little mouth. "Dummy!" he bopped his uncle on the head. Robin guffawed.

"So he can talk but believes in not speaking if you don't have something nice to say," Teillagory grinned. "Dummy!" Natalia joined her brother in raining little blows on D'Eon. "Dummy, dummy, dummy…" the twins chanted in a sing-song manner, all the while hitting their poor uncle. "Why can't you say mama or papa like other kids?" D'Eon moaned.

* * *

D'Eon popped the sleepy-eyed twins into the tent while he reached home. Robin had to meet up with some school friends for a movie while Teillagory had his weekly bridge meeting. It was going to be just him and the tots. He flipped open Lia's notebook to get an idea what he should cook for the twins. The twins were settling down for a nap. He tried to tidy up the mess in his living room to make use of this rare chance. Mashed potatoes and fish fingers sounded good. He wondered if the twins liked peas.

They did enjoy the instant Quick-cook porridge he made for their lunch, but he had used up the two packets Lia put in the baby bag. He could drop by Lia's apartment to see if there were more. Also, he needed some bedding for the twins. He regretted not asking Teillagory to swing by Lia's place to pick up some of the twins' stuff. He would have to make do with what they had. He took out the frozen fish fingers and peas to defrost and put the water to boil.

He was rudely roused from his musing when the phone rang. He hurried over to answer it before it woke the twins.

"_D'Eon? How are the twins?"_ It was Lia. D'Eon peeked out of the kitchen. He could see two pairs of tiny feet peeking out from the tent flap. "They are having a nap, Lia. I am preparing dinner…"

"_Have they been behaving themselves?"_

"Well… not really," D'Eon started. _"Oh dear, I guess we better come home…"_ Lia sounded a little harried.

"I mean that they are not really a handful," D'Eon lied. "Er, I was thinking fish fingers, peas and potatoes for dinner, and maybe some canned soup…"

"_Well, I suggest you cream the peas for soup and set out some stewed carrots. They like cream soup. For dessert, I suggest sliced apple. Did you remember to take them for their shots?"_

"Yes, Lia."D'Eon juggled the phone in one hand while he rummaged through his crisper bin for apples. _"Kiss them for me, will you, D'Eon? And feel free to call me if you need any help with them…"_

After ending his call with Lia, D'Eon dialled Durand's number. "Hi, Durand, would you like to come help me with the kids tomorrow?"

"Most certainly not! I have a date with a hot chick from Estelle Models. We'll be doing a photo shoot."

Next was Robin.

"Sorry, D'Eon. I have summer class. By the way, which college did you graduate from?" Robin chirped.

"_Ecole D'Versailles._ Why?"

"So I can strike it off my list of choices. Do you think Notre Dame Arts College or University of Paris is better for me?"

"Is your grandfather free tomorrow?" D'Eon asked as he sautéed the fish fingers in garlic.

"Look, he has to attend some war memorial service tomorrow. How about you call Anna if you need help? They seemed to behave for her. Besides, tomorrow is her day off, she told me so."

D'Eon took a deep breath before he dialled the last number. "Anna?"

"D'Eon? What a surprise!"

"Would you like to go out with me and the twins tomorrow? I was thinking we could go to the park for a picnic…"

"That sounds lovely! But, oh, I am so sorry… Aunt Beatrice is coming tomorrow and I've promised Papa I'd show her about Paris. I don't suppose you would like hanging about in Chanel's for the better part of the day… Or Sotheby's."

"God forbid!" D'Eon exclaimed as a horrible image of the twins wrecking merry havoc in the hallowed halls of Chanel luxury fashion or Sotheby's multi-million dollar crystal-works popped into his mind. Anna obliviously chatted on about how her widowed aunt was going to re-decorate her mansion and re-stock her closet during her Parisian jaunt. "She's awfully well-off from the insurance after Uncle Frollo died in that dreadful accident."

As the lovebirds chatted, there a little stirring in the tent. Maximilien, then Natalia peered out. They crawled out and in the direction of the bathroom…

D'Eon mashed the potatoes in a bowl and finally said goodbye to Anna. The fish fingers were done, the pea soup was just right and the apples were sliced and cooling in the fridge. A soap bubble drifted past D'Eon's face. _How odd._ Another followed in quick succession before popping. Worried, D'Eon put down the potatoes and peered out of the kitchen. The tent was open and empty. Bubbles were floating out through the bathroom doorway.

There were also sounds of running water and children giggling. D'Eon hustled over.

"What have you done?" he gaped. Maximilien and Natalia's clothes were lying on the bathroom rug. Two naked toddlers were splashing about in an overflowing tub topped with foamy soap bubbles. "Bubble!" Natalia squealed as she squeezed more bubble-bath into the tub where her twin swiftly kicked it into thick foam.

"Are you taking a bath?" D'Eon smiled. Maybe things weren't too bad. He turned the water off. "Max? Natalia?" he turned back to the twins to find them gone. There was no sign of them having left the tub. It was dead silent apart from the soft popping of bubbles.

"Oh my," D'Eon began to panic. Hadn't children drowned before in the bath while their caregivers were distracted? "Max? Natalia?" D'Eon swiped away foam from the tub…

"BOO!" Two foam-covered creatures burst out from below the water.

"Argh!" D'Eon fell backwards in shock. The twins clapped their hands in sheer delight as they splashed about in the tub. "Whee-hee!" both twins then clambered out and streaked out of the bathroom.

"No! You'll catch a cold. Get back here!" D'Eon seized a towel and ran after the pair.

He cornered them in his bedroom, where they had left a wet trail of footprints on his bed as they bounced about. Bundling them in the towel, he dragged them back to the bathroom to have the soap rinsed off before drying and dressing them. Then he stripped the sodden sheets off his bed before finishing up cooking dinner.

* * *

The twins were not fussy eaters and gobbled down their pea soup, mash and fish fingers with relish. D'Eon faced a bit of a struggle trying to clean their teeth afterwards as per Lia's instructions. He put them into their PJs and prepared the inside of the tent for them. A pair of cushions for their heads and blankets should do the trick of transforming the pup-tent into a playpen for them. The twins watched sleepy-eyed as he fluffed up the cushions.

_Read them bedtime stories…_ Lia's notebook instructed. D'Eon dug into the baby bag for a book. "Madeline's Day Out? Grimm's Fairy-tales?" D'Eon held up the books for the twins to make their choice. "Red… Ra-rid" Maximilien pointed a chubby finger at the Grimm's Tales. "Red Riding Hood?" D'Eon asked. Max nodded. Natalia shook her head.

"Sleeping! Sleepy Betti!" Natalia jumped up and down.

"Alright, I will read both Sleeping Beauty and Red Riding Hood," D'Eon replied. Both children hugged their uncle in delight.

* * *

"_And they lived happily ever after…"_ D'Eon looked up from the book. Maximilien Jr. and Natalia were both asleep. The golden mops of their heads rested on his lap as they curled up on either side of him on the sofa. Gently, he eased them off his lap. Natalia and Max Jr. sucked their thumbs as they slumbered. He carried them gently and settled them inside the tent and tucked them in. Now he could see to his sodden sheets and put fresh ones on his bed.

It had been a long, busy day. Only two more to go…

**Author's Notes:**

The twins can be so cute. Wonder what possessed Max Jr. to pull that 'I swallowed something I shouldn't have' stunt. So the twins can talk, only they don't like to much.


	5. Twins' Day Out

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters.

D'Eon has survived Day 1 of his babysitting stint, could he handle the twins without the rest of the Musketeers?

**5. Twins' Day Out**

D'Eon had awoken to find both tots snuggled up beside him in his bed. They had crept into his room sometime in the night. He was not too pleased to find both had wet his bed after shedding their diapers in the tent. His sheets were now spinning in his washer while his mattress was perched on the fire-escape in the hope of catching some rays to remove the odour.

The twins sucked their pacifiers quietly as they sat at the kitchen table. "How does waffles with blackcurrant jam sound?" D'Eon crooned to the twins. Both tots nodded. D'Eon opened his fridge and took out an open box of instant pancake mix and a carton of milk. He tied on his apron. Soon the kitchen was filled with the aroma of baking waffles. D'Eon took out a jar of blackcurrant jam and spread a generous dollop on the waffles before slicing them into quarters. If there was one thing D'Eon prided himself on, it was his cooking. He poured the remaining milk into two glasses for the twins. For himself, he brewed a cup of coffee.

The twins tucked into their waffles with gusto. After they were done, D'Eon wiped the jam off their faces with a napkin.

"What shall we do today?" he asked aloud. "Walkie! Walkie!" both twins waved their arms and ran circles around their uncle as he washed the dishes.

"Oh, I don't know…" _Taking the twins out could be more than he could handle… _Two pairs of hands tugged at his apron. D'Eon looked down at two pairs of round blue eyes pleading with him. _How could he turn them down? _It was a bright morning, just the type for a walk in the park. Besides, what mischief can the twins get up to there?

Happily, D'Eon dug into the baby bag for a change of clothes for the twins. He found a pair of leashes attached to harnesses. Puzzled, he flipped through Lia's notebook. He found what he was looking for on page seven: _Use harnesses_ _when walking the twins in a public area only if they are a handful. They hate it. P.S. get someone to help you, Anna, Durand, anyone. Do not hold both leashes at the same time. _He stole a glance at the twins who blinked angelically at him. He did not think he would need the leashes. Still, they went into the backpack with the umbrella and water bottle.

* * *

_An hour later…_

"Whee!" Max Jr. ran along the path before leaping into a bed of irises, blatantly ignoring the _'Please do not pick the flowers' _sign nearby. "No!" D'Eon made a grab for the toddler. "You'll soil your clothes!" He caught Max by the back of his rompers. "Yah!" Natalia yelled and dashed though the irises, splattering mud all over her stockings, shoes and sundress. "Natalia!" D'Eon yelled. The little girl stopped and reached for the sign. Using her weight, she pulled it ever closer to the ground. Judging her angle to be just right, she released it.

"Nata- Ow!" D'Eon yelped in agony as the sign smashed into his groin. The pain forced him to drop Max Jr. The little boy scampered into the flowers and the great massacre of the irises began in gusto. Yelling and whooping, the twins stomped on the flowers and yanked them out. Never had a flower bed been laid to such waste.

"S-stop…" D'Eon whimpered as he writhed in pain on the path. His hands cupped his sore crotch. An iris plant, with dirt still clinging on its roots, landed on his chest, adding insult to injury.

"Monsieur! We insist you get your _enfants terrible_ under control!" An annoyed park warden came trotting up, puffing like a steam engine. The twins immediately fled into a bed of tall sunflowers, where D'Eon and the park warden rapidly lost sight of them.

"Max? Natalia?" he called into the tall stalks. All was silent. D'Eon spotted a balloon seller nearby. An idea occurred to him. He purchased a pair of red balloons. "Max, Natalia, look what I have for you. Come out wherever you are…"

Almost immediately, there was a rustling sound and both children emerged hand in hand, hair unkempt and clothes grimy. Natalia straightened Max's sailor cap on his head, pulling out a stray iris flower. Max took the iris flower from his sister and stuck it into her sunhat.

"You will have to be leashed if you are going to run off like that…" D'Eon gave the twins and balloon each and snapped them into their harnesses. He firmly took one leash in each hand. He noted a slight nod exchanged between the twins. _Oh no…_ his heart sank. They were up to some mischief. The tots released their red balloons into the sky. Before he could brace himself, the pair took off in opposite directions at top speed.

"Hey, slow down!" D'Eon shouted as his arms were almost jerked out of their sockets. Then they decided to run towards him. Natalia dove between his legs and Max circled him, effectively tripping him up with the leashes. D'Eon got to his feet and started to disentangle himself. The twins sat down placidly on the grass and put on their most innocent faces. The moment D'Eon got the leashes untangled and just before he could steady his feet, the pair leapt up and took off towards a lamp post.

"Whoa!" D'Eon stumbled straight into the post with a loud clang. While he was leaning stunned against the lamp post, they ran circles around him so that he was bound to the post by the leashes. Satisfied with their handiwork, the twins stopped. Max reached over to unclip his sister from her harness while Natalia did the same for him.

"Bye-bye!" Thus liberated, the pair cheerily waved at their captive uncle, popped their pacifiers into their mouths and took off over the green grassy hill. "Natalia! Max!" D'Eon howled in dismay. Above him, the abandoned red balloons began their ascent into the clouds.

* * *

After a good deal of struggling, D'Eon finally freed himself. He immediately set about searching for the pair of pint-sized terrors. He was about to give up when he spotted a pair of familiar looking hats peeking over the top of a bench. Quietly, he tiptoed up behind them for a closer look. _Yes, that was Max Jr.'s sailor cap and Natalia's sunhat with its trampled iris flower. There was no mistake. _

"Gotcha!" D'Eon grabbed. His hands closed in around something furry and muscular.

There was a low growling. "N-nice dog… good dogs…" D'Eon gingerly faced the pair of Alsatians wearing the twins' hats. "It's just an honest mistake, right? No hard feelings, boys?" he patted the nearest dog on the head. The less-than-amused dog sank its teeth into D'Eon's hand. Its partner went for D'Eon's ankle. "Argh!" D'Eon yelled as fangs tore into his flesh.

"They girl-doggies," Natalia clapped her hands while Max Jr. let out a shrill whistle. The dogs released their grip on D'Eon and took the hats in their teeth. They sprinted over to the twins where they stood under a willow tree. They dropped the hats at the twins' feet. "Good doggies," Max laughed as a dog licked his face. The other dog took Natalia's hat and set in firmly on her golden tresses. The canines then ran off in search of more fun.

"You have been both very naughty children running off like that," D'Eon chided. He bound up his hand with a hanky. "Wah, wah!" the twins proceeded to howl. "Stop crying, please stop…" D'Eon begged. "You're safe, that's what's important, right? Now, don't run off like that again."

"Kiss-kiss…" Natalia planted a kiss on D'Eon's hanky-bound hand. "Come on, let's find a washroom…" D'Eon took Max by the hand. Natalia took hold of the corner of his T-shirt. He would need to wash out his wounds and the try to persuade the twins to use a proper toilet.

* * *

"Pee in there… that's right…" D'Eon held Max Jr. under the armpits as he peed into the urinal. Finishing, he placed Max down on his feet and pulled up the rompers. "That's right, for you, Natalia… Big girls sit on the toilet…" he steered Natalia to the toilet cubicle. Natalia allowed him to pull down her diapers and place her on the toilet. Finishing, he wiped her clean and pulled up her diapers. "Now we flush… and then we wash our hands…"

He started with Max, scrubbing his hands with soap. Natalia followed her brother's example.

"Bon jour, D'Eon. Training the enfants?" a familiar voice called out. D'Eon turned to the urinals to see…

"Monsieur Teillagory? I thought you were at some war memorial service."

"Well, I was. It has ended. I don't have that many old buddies-in-arms I could do a few drinks with you know…"

"Gee, I'm sorry…"

"Sorry for teaching them that?" Teillagory pointed at the twins. The pair had made use of D'Eon's distraction to return to the toilet. Max Jr. had placed one end of the toilet paper into the bowl. Natalia pulled the flush and the toilet paper went flying off the roll. The tots broke out into a fit of giggles.

"No! Don't do that!" D'Eon seized both tots. "It's wasteful and bad for the environment."

"You know, Robin used to do that when he was a teeny kid too…" Teillagory reminisced. Then he noticed the hanky on D'Eon's hand and the torn-up jeans leg. "Dog?"

D'Eon nodded wearily as he set both children down. "You got a bloodied nose too. Lamp post or tree?" Teillagory set his beret at a jaunty angle.

"Lamp post."

"Those tykes gave you a real run. I suggest you bribe them with ice creams to behave and take them home, _comprehende_?" Teillagory smoothed out his moustache. "By the way, are they waiting outside the Gents' now?"

D'Eon stuck his head out of the washroom. They were not inside the washroom, neither were they outside as D'Eon had hoped. The pair had eluded their keeper again.

"Max? Natalia? Get back here!"

The pair had no intention of ending their explorations that soon. Nearby, a young gypsy was having a little trouble with the park authorities…

"Hey, gypsy, you do not have a permit to sell flowers here, so move your wagon elsewhere, like back home to Romania or wherever you come from!"

"I once had a permit, but your dog ate it, and I happen to call this park home," Yvette glared daggers at the park warden but she knew when she had the short end of the stick. She grudgingly packed her flowers. She could try her luck at the square outside Notre Dame before sneaking back home to her camp in the park. The twins clambered into the wagon unnoticed and curled up between a bucket of roses and a pail of poppies. Lulled by the fragrance, they soon dozed off.

* * *

"Holy Mother Mary, why is the wagon so heavy today of all days…" Yvette complained aloud. "It will be most useful if you change some of my flowers to gold… that will help feed Miss Sophie and me for a while longer…"

After hauling her wagon out of the park limits a good distance, she decided to stop for a drink. She lifted the tarp to retrieve her brandy tin with its brandy-laced tea when she saw a gleam of gold between the red of the poppies and roses.

"Ave Maria, a miracle has occurred!" The gypsy's hopes rose. She parted the flowers and her hopes fell immediately. "Holy Mother, this was not exactly the gold I had in mind," she looked up to the coloured-glass windows of the Notre Dame cathedral.

"Yoohoo! Yvette! Whatever have you got there, child?" Sophie limped out of the cathedral where she eked out a living selling fake medallions and so-called Water of Lourdes. "A pair of babies, I swear I don't know how they got there!" Yvette replied.

"Well, maybe they came from above?" Sophie cast her wrinkled face to the sky. "Have you considered asking your brother for help, you have to go to school and continue your studies… your mother would have wanted that, instead of you working in the streets… You could ask him for help on the little angels too…"

"I will ask my brother and my father for help only when Hell freezes over. Besides, I can teach myself to read and write. The library is open…" Yvette chewed on her lower lip. She was fifteen but had not seen the inside of a school since she was eight. After losing her mother then, she had lived with Miss Sophie, the homeless woman who lived in the park. Her father had another family and she was aware of her older brother when he came looking for her. She didn't want anything to do with him.

Meanwhile…

"Bad news, Teillagory, I can't find them anywhere!" D'Eon gasped. "No luck here either, let's call Durand and Robin…" Teillagory took out his cell phone and dialled.

* * *

In a makeshift photo studio…

"Durand, it is so sweet of you to agree to help me with my portfolio…" the buxom blond gasped she fumbled with the laces of her outfit. "Mon cherie, it is my honour…" Durand's eyes traced the sensuous curves of her back. "Let's see, with my computer graphics, we will make feathers emerge here…" he let his hand rest on the woman's shoulder blades. "Then we will fill in the dress… down, down… like so…" His hand slid to the small of her back…

She did not protest but leaned back against him coquettishly with a smile. Soon they were lying on the divan. _Yes! Durand was going to score!_ Then there was a buzzing sound. "What was that!" the blond leapt away from him in alarm. "Excuse moi…" Durand pulled out his cell phone. _Damn you, old man. What is it now?_ He recognized Teillagory's number. Seeing his blond conquest-to-be was already getting into her street clothes, he saw no reason not to answer.

* * *

In a certain classroom…

Robin was struggling to stay awake during a calculus lecture. He was bored to pieces. Being tortured by the Spanish Inquisition would have been less painful, Robin thought. He silently prayed for some interruption. A fire alarm, a blackout or maybe a heart attack for the old windbag waffling on derivative roots and Greek symbols… His cell phone rang. He lifted it to his ear, receiving an annoyed look from the lecturer. Cell phones should be turned off or in silent mode in class.

"Excuse moi! Family emergency!" Robin leapt to his feet and grabbed his knapsack. "It's my grandpa!" he gave the classroom his best worried face and sprinted out. Once out of the school gates, he allowed a grin to break out on his face. How could D'Eon lose the twins? Anyhow, he owed them an ice cream each for helping him out of a painful lecture.

**Author's Notes:**

The twins are missing and D'Eon is in trouble. Will they find the twins before Lia finds out they lost them?

If the names Yvette and Sophie are familiar, it is because I have used them for my other fic before.


	6. Don't Kill the Messenger

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters.

**6. Don't Kill the Messenger**

They had been searching the park in vain for an hour. There was no sign of either child. The men had poked into every bush and flowerbed within toddling distance of where they were last seen. "What shall we do? We have to call the cops and Lia…" D'Eon was in a state of panic by now. "Er, are you sure you want to tell your sis you lost her precious babies?" Robin asked. He could imagine what Lia would do to poor D'Eon. It would not be pretty. "Do you prefer a closed casket or an open viewing?" Robin added sarcastically, _assuming that Lia would leave enough of D'Eon left to justify a coffin. _

"Maybe we should call Max instead… he's calmer…" Durand suggested. Teillagory chuckled. "Your funeral, boy… do you remember a certain ski run where you almost got Lia killed in an avalanche?"

* * *

_Three years back, on a snow-covered Alpine slope…_

"_Lia! Lia!" Maximilien Robespierre clawed frantically through snow after Durand and he narrowly escaped being buried alive in an avalanche. "Keep digging, Durand! She must be near… Hurry, she's running out of time!" He checked his avalanche beacon detector. She should be near, almost within two feet of him. They must hurry. Most avalanche victims die within fifteen minutes of burial and it was already a good twenty minutes. He stared at the figures as they leapt and then fell. It was most unusual… _

"_Durand?" The brunette looked up from his shovel. "Eh?"_

"_Did you remember to pass the avalanche beacon to Lia like I told you to?" The blond man's eyes narrowed dangerously. The brunette sheepishly checked his haversack. The said beacon was hanging from his pack. "Oops…"_

_Five minutes later… Lia nonchalantly skied down on the slope. She had escaped the avalanche by making a sharp turn upslope down another ski run. She skied to a stop under a fir tree and stared at her stepbrother and boyfriend. Maximilien Robespierre was busy stamping down on a suspicious mound of snow from which Durand's ski boots were poking out of. _

* * *

"Point taken," Durand pulled a face. Being entombed in snow was an experience he was not going to forget that soon. Max might to decide to entomb him and D'Eon in a barrel of quick-dry cement and toss them into the Seine Mafia-style if anything should happen to the twins.

"This is not working. Let's get your old school pal Bernie's help," Teillagory suggested. "You know he is a police officer now, don't you?"

"That's a terrific idea…" the blond said.

* * *

"Hungry?" the gypsy laughed as she toddled both tots on the steps of her caravan in a wooded area outside the park. Both Natalia and Max Jr. nodded their heads. They had been stripped of their muddied clothes and garbbed in some old gypsy hand-me-downs by Miss Sophie. Natalia looked charming in a floral flounced skirt and white lace blouse. Max looked rakish with his leather breeches, open-front shirt and a bandanna. To complete the gypsy look, Yvette had rubbed walnut into the children's hair, turning their fair hair into a deep mahogany.

"Here's the goat!" the older woman crackled. Miss Sophie led the nanny goat towards the children. Natalia and Max stared at the goat in amazement. "Don't be shy," Yvette took a goat teat in her hand and squirted milk into her mouth. "This is how it is done," she demonstrated.

Soon, both tots were drinking milk from the teats while the nanny goat chewed the grass placidly. Yvette turned her attention to the hedgehog pie she had baking in the fire. "I am sure they have some worried family somewhere," Miss Sophie added. "We better help them look…"

"No cops," Yvette replied. "We look for their family my way…"

* * *

"Well, no ransom note? No witnesses? How the heck do you expect me to find your kids? Maybe they just went to the video arcade or something…" Bernie was busy. The last thing he wanted was to go after some kid runaways. "Don't worry, they should be home by dinner…"

"They are two years old!" D'Eon exclaimed. "Put out an Amber Alert or something! Here's their picture!" he switched on his cell phone. Bernie blinked at the picture. "Er, is that you being ridden by the two kids?" D'Eon nodded.

"They are really cute… just the type those paedophiles might go for… We had a nasty case at a childcare centre recently. Imagine having a pervert as a teacher. Or they might be killed for their organs… Satanic cults have been acting up recently with their blood sacrifices…" Bernie mused. D'Eon's face turned ashen. _How would Lia ever forgive him if her babies got raped or murdered or worse? How would he ever forgive himself?_

"Bernie, can't you do anything helpful?" Teillagory asked sternly. D'Eon looked so pale that the old man thought he was going to faint. He took D'Eon's arm. "Steady, boy. Bernie is just blathering, as usual… nothing bad will happen to the enfants…" he prayed.

D'Eon's phone rang. D'Eon almost leapt out of his skin. It was Lia. Shakily, he answered the phone. "B-bon jour…"

"_D'Eon? It is Lia. How are the children?"_

"They are fine…" D'Eon lied._ "D'Eon, I would like to speak with them, please…"_

"Er, I am sorry… they are, er, asleep…"

"_It is too early for their nap… Have they been staying up past their bedtime?"_

"No…"

"_Call me when they wake up. I miss their darling voices…" _D'Eon squirmed at his sister's words. He had more than enough of those darling voices to last a lifetime.

* * *

Durand had remained at the park to continue searching with Robin. They were having no luck. "Found them?" Robin asked. "Nope," Durand replied. They were hot and tired. The brunette sat down on a bench. "Go get a coke for me, and keep the change," Durand tossed Robin a coin. They had peered into every bush, flowerbed and pram to no avail. Robin whistled as he when to the vending machine. He could use a coke himself.

He caught sight of a familiar face. "Yvette?" he recognized his one-time colleague and ex-girlfriend. "Robin?" the gypsy girl looked up from where she was drawing water from the park's fountain. The pair hurriedly looked away as memory came back. "A-are you doing okay?"

Three years ago, they had worked on a film set for period drama. One night, they had sneaked some vodka from the director's personal store and got dead drunk. Robin recalled waking up stark naked and with a raging hangover. Yvette did not fare much better. She had been dismissed from the set after the director found out she was a habitual thief. "Yvette, did anything happen that night?" Robin asked. Yvette grinned mischievously. "I have something, well, actually two things to show you…"

"Yvette, what's taking you so long?" Sophie came trotting up with two dark-haired gypsy children in tow. "Your little ones want something more than goat's milk." Robin blanched. _Could those be the two things Yvette meant?_

Max Jr. and Natalia stared at Robin solemnly. "W-what are their names?" Robin asked. _He was too young to be a father…_ "Yvette, you are too young have kids right?"

"Actually, gypsy girls often marry young... I am fully capable of having kids, with some help…" Yvette winked cheekily at the redhead. She was enjoying messing with Robin. The poor teen looked as though he was ready to bolt. Miss Sophie crackled. "Take the children, boy." She caught onto Yvette's game. She thrust the two tots at the poor redhead. Robin squirmed in discomfort as the twins looked at him innocently. They had blue eyes, just like him… That couldn't mean anything, could it? There are loads of guys with blue eyes…

"Robin, what's taking you so long?" Durand had gotten tired of waiting. His eyes widened when he saw his half-sister. Yvette's eyes narrowed at the sight of her brother. "Uncle! Uncle!" the twins cried out. They ran towards him and hugged his legs.

"What is the meaning of these?" Durand gaped. "Like they say, I guess you are their uncle…" Yvette shrugged wickedly. "So you can take them off my hands while I go sell some trinkets at the market." Durand's head swam. Did his kid sister get herself knocked up in his absence? But Yvette has no boyfriend, except for…

"Robin!"

"I swear I didn't know anything!" Robin tried to make a run for it but Durand was faster. As the man wrestled with the teen on the grass, Yvette and Sophie made their escape, leaving the twins sitting on the edge of the fountain.

"Uncle… phone…" Max Jr. picked up Durand's ringing cell phone where it had fallen out of his pocket. "Merci…" Durand straddled Robin, pinning him to the ground, as he took the call.

"_Durand, any luck finding them?"_

"D'Eon? Sorry, no luck. I have some pressing family issues to attend to…"

"_Please, don't bail out on me…"_

"Someone knocked up my kid sister and I'm making sure he makes a honest woman out of her…" Durand grated. Robin winced. It would take more than a marriage certificate to cure Yvette of her kleptomaniac tendencies.

"_I see, but Lia wants to speak to her kids… and she misses them! What if she comes back earlier? Lord, we are doomed… Wait, are you referring to your gypsy half-sis? But she is just a kid, not much older than Robin, right?"_

"D'Eon! Believe me, I didn't knock up Yvette…" Robin whined. "Besides, I am only fifteen! I am too young to be married!"

"_Er, I will leave you to sort things out…"_ D'Eon hung up with those words.

"But you are not too young to do your part as a dad. You can start by changing their diapers." Max Jr. was starting to smell. "Where is Yvette now?" the brunette looked about.

"Hey, I demand a paternity test first. Your sis probably does it with every guy…" Robin snapped. KLANG! A tin watering can smacked him on the head. Robin saw stars for moment. "I don't go off with every guy, only cute redheads like you!" Yvette said. She had been packing up her caravan with Miss Sophie with the aim of moving to a new site.

"She tried to brain me, Durand!" Robin howled as he nursed an ugly lump on his head.

"Yvette, where did they come from?" Durand asked. "I found them in the flower wagon," Yvette shrugged. Durand wondered if he should take her words seriously. He turned to Sophie for help. The old woman pretended to be busy tethering the goat. A goose waddled out of the caravan and settled on Robin's stomach. It let loose a squawk and laid an egg.

"You, Yvette, are coming to my place until we sort this out," Durand demanded.

"Really? Can I bring my goat, pony and poultry?" Yvette smirked. Durand's apartment did not allow animals. "Leave them in the garage… the landlord's in Greece for the summer." Yvette's camp was a menagerie of woodland and barnyard beasts and birds. "I will consider…" Yvette twirled a tendril of brown hair round her finger.

"I will buy you a bottle of St. Claire red and pastries from Pastries de Madeline," Durand added a bribe. Yvette loved her wine. He did not want his estranged sister and her children running about France with some strange old woman. "Buy them pastries from Madame Marie's. Their cheesecake is much better and their chocolate mousse is to die for," Miss Sophie laughed. "And Cardinal Roche's makes the best wines…"

Durand frowned. _What could a batty homeless old woman know about the tastiest and costliest cakes in town?_

**Author's Notes:**

The twins are a little confused, aren't they? Calling Durand uncle… Loads of misunderstandings in store.

Meanwhile, D'Eon can torture himself over losing the twins. They have gone gypsy for now. Wait till the dye gets washed out of their hair.


	7. Little Gypsies

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

**7. Little Gypsies**

Durand had to admit his kid sister was a terrific cook, almost as good as D'Eon. Yvette was busy whipping up an omelette with wild mushrooms she had picked and the leftover bacon from his fridge. Durand was dismal in the culinary department. Despite his attempts to restrict the animals to his landlord's garage, a goose was tucked under Miss Sophie's arm as she ate Yvette's hedgehog pie. Durand did not relish the idea of eating a hedgehog that was probably run over by a flower wagon that morning.

"I can't marry her… I'm still a kid…" Robin wailed as Durand twisted his arm behind his back. "Still, you got to do something about them…" the brunette tossed a look in the direction of the couch where two gypsy children slumbered after partaking of Yvette's hedgehog pie, which conveniently had been drowned with brandy.

"Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree… you are acting just like your dad… Monsieur Teillagory would have expected better from you…"

"My dad? My ma told me he died before I was born. What has this gotta do with him?"

"Well, your dad knocked up your ma and then fled for the foreign legion when Teillagory asked him to marry your ma before you came. That was how he got killed in Sudan, Damn, I can't believe I had to tell you that…" Durand grated. "But you are turning out to be a jerk like him." He allowed Robin to get to his feet.

"Man, I'm being a jerk, aren't I? Yvette is a nice girl, once you look past her flat chest…. OW!" Robin yelped as Yvette kicked him in the shin when she passed Durand his omelette.

"I got to propose to her," Robin said. "Without a ring?" Durand yanked the pull tab of his beer can open. "Gee, thanks!" Robin snatched the pull tab from Durand's hand. "I don't have the money to get a proper ring yet, so this has to do…"

"You can't be serious!" Durand exclaimed. Robin ignored him and knelt down before Yvette. "Yvette, I suppose that since we already have kids, we oughta get hitched, what you say?" Yvette took the pull tab from Robin's outstretched hand and slipped it onto her little finger.

"Yvette, you can't be serious!" Durand cried out. "At least get a decent ring."

"Well, if I just sharpen it like so… it makes a nice cutter…" Yvette smiled sweetly as she honed the edge of the tab to a gleaming sharpness with a nail file. Robin gulped. The tab now looked sharp enough to slice through flesh. Yvette winked mischievously at him. "Of course, I am considering your proposal of marriage…"

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Max! Natalia! My babies! You killed my poor babies!" Lia screamed at him. Tears flowed down her cheeks, messing up her mascara. D'Eon's heart sank when he saw the pathetic little sheeted bundles on the gurneys. A sad mop of golden curls peered out from under the sheets. "Lia, please! I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry!" D'Eon clutched his sister's hand and fell to his knees to beg for her forgiveness.

"Bit too late, isn't it?" Coils of rope bound his arms to his sides like iron bands. Lia shoved him towards the infamous Iron Maiden, a medieval instrument of torture consisting of an iron casket filled with iron spikes designed to ensure a slow, lingering death. "Lia, please don't do this to me. I'm your brother for crying out loud!" D'Eon could see those nasty spikes inching ever closer to his flesh as she struggled to close it. The spikes stopped.

"Gee, D'Eon. Blood is thicker than water after all…" Lia hauled him out by the collar and thrust him at Maximilien. The bereaved father was stoic. "This way please…" he prodded D'Eon at bayonet point up towards a looming guillotine. "Monsieur, meet Madame Guillotine…"

"D'Eon, do you know the head lives about three seconds after it is severed from the body?" he said most conversationally as he strapped his hapless brother-in-law onto the platform and locked his neck in place. D'Eon found himself staring down into a toilet bowl. Lia approached with a nasty-looking axe. "Max, I borrowed this from Uncle George, in case we need it… to sever any gristle."

"Lia, dear, you think of everything. Adieu, D'Eon…" Maximilien smiled as he hoisted the deadly blade upwards and released it…

"NO!" D'Eon cried out and sat up suddenly. CRACK! He smashed foreheads with Teillagory. It was only a nightmare.

"Ow, great to see you are awake," Teillagory rubbed his forehead as D'Eon rubbed his. They could expect ugly bruises there in a while.

"What happened?" D'Eon asked with a groan.

"You fainted. Nasty thing, heatstroke…"

D'Eon was sitting on a park bench under a shady tree. It was late afternoon. Teillagory handed the blond a bottle of water. "Drink up, boy. Can't have you fainting from the heat again, can we? Not before finding the twins."

"What next?" D'Eon asked Teillagory. "Well, while you were out, I informed my pals at the Café to be on the lookout for the twins. And my buddies at the Veterans' Club."

"You didn't ask Vee TV…"

"Of course not. We have to keep this from the Robespierres, don't we?" the old man smiled wearily. "Let's see…" he unfurled a map on the bench. "We have covered all the park but no sign of them. They could have wandered out along the street here. Loads of toy stores here…"

"What if someone took them?" D'Eon asked. "I hope not," Teillagory replied. He sincerely hoped the twins had simply wandered off. It would be difficult to find them otherwise.

D'Eon's phone rang. It was Lia again.

"_D'Eon, are the children awake now? How are they?"_

"Er, um…" D'Eon stumbled over his words. Teillagory took the phone from the younger man. "Lia? I'm sorry. D'Eon left his phone with me at the café. I'll return it to him when I next see him…" the old man lied glibly. He had bought more time for the search.

"_I see… Don't suppose you met the twins?"_

"_Oui,_ they were with D'Eon this morning when we met at the café," Teillagory tugged at his whiskers.

"_Have they been behaving?"_

"Well, D'Eon is coping. Very exuberant tykes they are… adieu then. I have to pick Robin up now…" the old man hung up.

"I'm doomed," D'Eon wailed. He buried his face in his hands. "Don't give up yet, D'Eon," Teillagory tried to reassure him without success.

'D'Eon? Monsieur Teillagory?" A familiar female voice called out. Teilllagory tipped his beret to her. It was Anna Rochefort. She was toting a shopping bag from Chanel's. "Where are the twins? Aren't they with you?" she asked.

"I er, well…" D'Eon started. _He couldn't tell Anna the truth! What would she think of him?_ Anna waited for an answer, her green eyes round with bewilderment.

"They are with Durand and Robin. We are just on our way to pick up my beret from the drycleaner's…" Teillagory lied. "They did a great job, didn't they?"

"Yes… do you need any help? Aunt Beatrice has gone back home…" Anna offered. It must be hard on the men to care for two toddlers. "_Merci_, mademoiselle, but I am afraid we'll have to decline your offer…" Teillagory lied again. "You see, we plan to take them on a little road trip to the farms. You know, mud, manure… totally unsuitable for a young lady like you. But the children will love the animals…"

"Well, I will be interested in going to those farms! I am not some pampered lady who would faint at a bit of dirt," Anna clapped her hands together. Mud did not put her off one bit. "Er, we have a full car… Sorry, mademoiselle… perhaps next time," Teillagory replied. He nudged D'Eon. It would not do for him to just stare at Anna like a mooning calf. "Er, yes… m-maybe we could do a picnic or ask Lia to drive us to the farms…" D'Eon lied clumsily.

"What a terrific idea! Next time then," she exclaimed and kissed D'Eon on the cheek before continuing on her way.

"That was close, too close…" Teillagory wiped his brow. His heart was getting too old for this.

* * *

"Please tell me they aren't yours, are they? Where exactly did you get these babies?" Durand asked Yvette as he chased after the twins. The tots had started a full-blown pillow fight and goose feathers now flew everywhere. They had dumped Durand's CD collection in the toilet and smashed a lamp. They were acting oddly like a pair of blond twins Durand had the misfortune to encounter the day before. Durand yelped as he stepped on a discarded soiled diaper. Robin was being pummelled by the twins with their pillows.

"Like I said, I found them in my flower wagon," Yvette replied as she nonchalantly pulled out feathers from her hair. "They are a gift from the Holy Virgin…" Sophie added. Her knitting needles clicked as she worked on her stocking.

"More like the Devil himself," Durand harrumphed as he shook the diaper off his foot. Yvette's goat gently butted Durand. His flat was starting to look like a war zone. The twins ran past him with the sauce bottles, squirting mustard and ketchup everywhere.

"Not my Armani! No!" Durand moaned as a blob of ketchup hit him in the chest. Robin was smeared all over with ketchup and mustard. Running out of sauces, the twins returned with a reload of chocolate and maple syrup. Sticky chocolate and maple syrup soon joined the patterns of ketchup and mustard. "Looks like modern art…" Sophie mused at the destruction wrought on Durand's carpet.

"We need to give these children a bath!" the old lady declared as she put away her finished stocking. "Bath! Bath!" the twins chanted and sprinted off to the bathroom. Soon, the sound of running water came from the shower.

"Shouldn't you bathe them, Yvette?" Robin asked. "Well, you could do that. Seeing you need a bath yourself," Yvette grinned at the mustard, chocolate, ketchup and syrup covered teen. "Point taken…" Robin went off to the bathroom. The live goose and Yvette's cat padded after him.

**Author's Notes:**

The twins are destroying Durand's apartment now. Poor D'Eon has to continue hiding the truth from his sis and now Anna. He is having nightmares about what Lia and Maximilien Senior would do to him if anything happens to the twins.


	8. Lost Babes Found

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

**8. Lost Babes Found**

Robin rolled up his sleeves and filled the bath as the twins sat on the bathroom rug. The girl hugged Yvette's fluffy black cat. Yvette's cat was so large that she was all but swallowed up by its black fur. The boy cuddled the goose. A nosy nanny goat bleated and poked its head into the bathroom. "Scat," Robin flicked water at the goat. She obligingly trotted off. "Come on you two…" Robin undressed both tots and lowered them into the warm bathwater. He squeezed some shampoo into his hand and worked up a good lather.

Maximilien laughed as Robin rubbed his hair down with shampoo. He grabbed Robin's wrist in his chubby hands and tugged at him, just as his sister sneaked up behind Robin and gave him a shove in the small of her back. With a terrific splash, the redhead landed in the bath to giggles from the twins. Yvette poked her head in.

"What happened here?" she asked. With Maximilien's aid, Natalia clambered into the bath. Robin spluttered and sat up in the tub. The twins clambered onto his lap.

"Here, let me help…" Yvette shook her head. She tied up her hair with her kerchief, tied up her sleeves and belted up her skirts. She started rubbing shampoo into Natalia's hair.

"Hey, I'm washing the colour out of their hair!" Robin said as the walnut dye started running from Max Jr.'s hair when he rinsed his hair off.

"Well, they are natural blonds when I found them in the flower wagon," Yvette mused.

"Yvette, these two aren't yours, are they? They're Monsieur D'Eon's niece and nephew!" Robin exclaimed as the last of the dye was washed off. The fair-haired children splashed about in the bathwater. Yvette's cat stalked out in annoyance at the water while the goose leapt in to join the fun.

* * *

"Max! Natalia! Where are you?" D'Eon hollered as he trotted down the riverside. Teillagory was starting to feel his age trying to keep up with the younger man. The old grandfather panted and leaned against a lamp post to catch his breath.

"Wait up," the old man gasped. He was getting too old for running about Paris. Then he spotted something familiar.

"Max? Nata- oh God, NO!" D'Eon screamed. There was a battered jeep lying in the middle of the road. And sticking out from beneath the jeep was a tiny arm and a blond head twisted at an awkward angle. A pool of blood had puddled about the limp figure. Beside the jeep was a sailor hat that resembled Max's. "MAX! NO!" D'Eon screamed hysterically and ran forward.

He snatched up the sorry little bundle in his arms. It felt so light. To his horror, the head dropped off the moment he picked it up.

"And CUT!" a voice shouted out. "D'Eon de Beaumont, whatever are you doing?" It was aspiring director Marie, current CEO of Vee TV. She walked over to D'Eon. The yong man now saw that the body he held was a stage dummy. A knot of bewildered actors and actresses clad in garments of the World War II era gathered about. D'Eon let the dummy fall from his arms.

"D'Eon, relax… They're shooting a scene for the new drama series _Viva la France_," Teillagory chuckled as he browsed through a copy of the script. He waved to the camera crew proudly. "You could do a pan in on the mother when she picks up her boy, then switch to close up of the soldier. It will be more dramatic… All in time for Victory Day, right, madam?"

"Well, we should be able to meet schedule… what are you doing?" Marie asked.

"Nothing much… D'Eon lost Lia's kids and I'm helping look for the little ones…" Teillagory blurted out. There was a horrified murmur from the crew.

"Better step on it then…" a prop handler said as he replaced the dummy under the car.

"Sure hate to be in your shoes…" an actress added.

"Well, we could keep an eye out for the little ones… have you informed their parents?" Marie asked. "Where's Lia?"As a mother herself, Marie could imagine how anxious Lia must be feeling. Perhaps she should lend Lia a comforting ear…

"No no, Lia's going to kill me for sure…" D'Eon groaned. His phone rang. It was Durand.

"Durand… If I die, you may have my CD classics collection…" D'Eon answered the phone.

"_Er, good news and bad news… The good news is we have the enfants terrible with us, safe and sound. The bad news is that they totalled my apartment… Does that offer of your CD collection still stand?"_

"Alleluia! Praise the Lord!" D'Eon fell to his knees in relief. "We found them! We found the children! They're safe at Durand's!" D'Eon hugged and kissed Marie on the cheek. Then he grabbed Teillagory's arm and hugged him.

"No kissing! Hey! Oh well…" Teillagory rubbed his cheek where D'Eon kissed him. The young man was shaking hands with the rest of the film crew as they congratulated him on his lucky escape from certain doom. "When do we pick up the tykes at Durand's place?" Teillagory asked. His car was parked nearby…

They decided to meet Durand's sister, Robin and the toddlers at the riverside. Durand wanted the children out of his home so that he could tidy it up.

* * *

"I can't believe you lied to me about them…" Robin complained as he pushed the flower wagon. Miss Sophie had volunteered to stay at their new campsite near the river to settle things in. Yvette had loaded her wagon with cut flowers for sale while waiting for D'Eon to pick up the children. She expected great business at the Riveria cafes as evening neared. The toddlers sat in the wagon, dressed in their now cleaned and dried clothes.

"Did not! I told you guys I found them in the flower wagon but you didn't listen, hubby dearest…" Yvette grated.

"Hubby?" Robin stopped.

"You proposed marriage, did you not?" Yvette held up her left hand with the pull tab on her ring finger.

"I withdraw my proposal! I was misled!" Robin let go of the wagon. "I am not marrying some flat-chested gypsy!"

"Fat chance!" Yvette placed her hands on her hips. "You're not weaselling out of this so easy!" The teens started bickering. Unnoticed by the teens, they were quarrelling at the top of a gentle slope. The flower wagon silently rolled downhill, picking up speed…

Further down the street, D'Eon and Teillagory were walking along, munching on sweet buns and nursing a café latte each. "Thank god… I'll go pick up the twins, then get them home and keep them there until Lia gets back from Spain…" D'Eon said. "Where did you park your car?"

"At the Veterans Lodge just up this little hill. Riverside parking can be so costly…" the old man paused in mid-sentence as Yvette's flower wagon thundered past with a pair of squealing twins on board. "D'Eon, did I just see that or do I need to get glasses?" he blinked. D'Eon gaped like a stunned goldfish for a fraction of a second then he tore off after the twins, discarding his coffee and bread.

"Max! Natalia!" he sprinted after the runaway wagon. The river loomed ahead. Desperately, he tried to grab hold of the wagon, digging his heels in to stop its mad dash to the water. Its momentum was too great.

CRASH! The wagon hit the safety rails on the river bank. Twins, flowers and D'Eon were pitched into the air. SPLASH!

Up the street, Yvette and Robin stopped their argument at that splash. "What was that?" Robin asked.

"Where's my flower wagon?" Yvette shrieked and looked around her.

"More importantly, where are the twins?" Robin yelled and started running in the direction of the river. Hitching up her long floral skirts, Yvette followed.

"D'Eon!" Teillagory panted as he reached the bank. The twins were treading water and bobbing among roses, lilies and other assorted blooms. Max Sr. had sent his children for swimming lessons as soon as they started crawling. There was no sign of D'Eon at first. Then D'Eon broke the surface spluttering and gasping for air.

"Hang on to this!" Teillagory seized a nearby safety ring and tossed it to the flailing man. Unfortunately, it hit D'Eon on the head to loud chuckles from the twins. Their uncle started going under. "Oops…" Teillagory kicked off his shoes and dived in. He soon emerged with an unconscious D'Eon in tow. "Take care of him, Robin… while I pick up the tots…" he said to his grandson as he laid D'Eon out on the bank.

"No need for that, Gramps…" Robin grinned. The toddlers were regular water babies. Paddling about, they were gathering as much of the flowers they could and handing them to Yvette. It was lucky the Seine was calm that day, or they could have been washed out to sea. "Is he breathing?" Robin poked D'Eon hard in the sternum. D'Eon gagged and coughed, spitting out water. The tots had emerged from the river by now.

"Uncle!" As one, the pair ran over to D'Eon and leapt on his belly, forcing more water out of him.

"My wagon is wrecked!" Yvette moaned as she inspected the broken wheel on her wagon. There was no way she was going to get any flowers sold that day, with or without Robin's help. Grumbling under her breath, she strolled up to Robin and his grandfather. She took Teillagory's hand and shook it. "Nice to meet you, sir. I'm your grandson's bride-to-be…" she winked mischievously at Robin.

"Are not!" Robin protested indignantly.

"Am too," Yvette laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be off. Got a wagon to fix…" Swaying her hips, she pushed the wagon back in the direction of her camp. Robin blushed as red as his hair and rubbed his cheek. Teillagory chuckled. _Young love._

"Okay, you two can stop bouncing on him now," Teillagory returned his attention to D'Eon and the twins. The twins were still gleefully treating D'Eon as a trampoline. The pair nodded, popped their pacifiers into their mouths and got off their poor uncle.

Teillagory drove D'Eon and the twins back to D'Eon's apartment. He managed to borrow a pair of child seats from the old lady who ran the Lodge. The twins were tired from their little adventure and fell asleep in the backseat with their uncle. After sending them home, he advised D'Eon to see a doctor if he could get away from the twins and called in Chinese home delivery for the trio as D'Eon was in no state to be cooking dinner. For he and his grandson, well, they still had to return those child seats to Mrs Clavell of the Lodge and a lamb leg dinner at the café opposite the Lodge sounded nice.

**Author's Notes:**

The twins are back with their uncle. And all is well for now. One more day before their parents get home from Spain. Hang in there, D'Eon…


	9. Home Sweet Home

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

**9. Home Sweet Home**

"Uncle D'Eon!"

The blond awoke to the twins bouncing on his bed. The problem was, he did not feel too good. His head was pounding and he felt queasy. _He couldn't be sick, not when he had to care for the twins…_ With a groan, he forced himself to get up from his bed. He stepped right into a discarded diaper. Belatedly, he noticed that both tots were bare-bottomed. As if sensing his discomfort, the twins quietened down. They popped their pacifiers into their mouths and padded out. D'Eon tidied up his room and dressed the tots.

He downed an aspirin before turning his attention to breakfast. He managed to dig up some cereal and milk for the twins before he sank listlessly into his chair. The aspirin seemed to work. The children were amazingly well-behaved as they watched the morning cartoons. For a while, D'Eon was hopeful. If the twins continued with their good behaviour, he could last until Lia's return without bothering the others. Sitting on the sofa, D'Eon drifted off into sleep. It was a stifling hot day without any breeze but the fan made it bearable. Then disaster struck in the midst of the Smurfs.

The first sign of trouble was a slight burning smell. Then the children shrieked. The old black-and-white TV was belching thick smoke and flames. Wailing in fear, the children threw themselves about D'Eon's legs. "Damn!" D'Eon leapt up immediately. He shoved the twins into the safety of the kitchen and seized his fire extinguisher. He sprayed foam onto the burning TV. Then the power in his apartment went out. Having put out the fire, D'Eon turned his attention to comforting his charges.

"Max, Natalia, it's alright… the fire's out…" he carried the twins to his bedroom and placed them on his bed. "Wait for a while here, ok?" The twins nodded, wiped their tears with the backs of their hands and sucked on their pacifiers. D'Eon surveyed the damage done. There was a charred patch under the destroyed TV but other than that, the damage was contained. He tried the fuse box to get the power back on. It was no use. The power in his apartment was out for good. He dialled for the building's superintendent.

"Hello…"

"_This is Montspeller. I am out today to have my appendix removed. Please leave a message after the beep…"_

This was bad. Without power, his apartment would be like an oven by ten o'clock given the current heat wave. Worse, his freezer was out and his week's groceries would spoil soon from the heat. Soft moans and gurgles hinted that the increasing heat was getting to the toddlers. D'Eon wiped sweat off his brow and checked in them. The twins' clothes were sodden with perspiration and their cheeks flushed red from the heat.

He had to call in the cavalry. He picked up his cell phone and dialled Teillagory's number. The old man was like an uncle to Lia and him when they were kids. He wouldn't mind helping him transport the tots and the groceries to Lia's place. The toddlers were starting to cry. Maximilien Jr. was pulling off his shirt. Natalia soon took the hint from her brother and climbed out of her dress.

"_D'Eon? Bon jour…"_

"Monsieur Teillagory? I need some help with the twins… Could you please lend me your car?"

"_Sacre blue! Wasn't yesterday a lesson to you? If you are taking the twins out…"_

"The power in my apartment's out and the heat's getting to the kids!" D'Eon added. He reached for the aspirin bottle. Running water from the bathroom suggested the twins were seeking relief in the tub. "Look, I just want to get them and my perishables over to Lia's…"

"_Cool it, D'Eon."_ There was a soft sigh of exasperation. _"Get the kids and stuff ready. We will be there in 30 minutes…"_

"We?"

"_Why, Durand and Robin will help. We're at the camp of Durand's sister. A charming young lady, she is. Delivering a new wagon to replace the one broken yesterday…."_

"Merci, Monsieur…"

"_Don't think you could whip up some lunch for us at Lia's?"_

* * *

Teillagory hung up. He glanced over to where Durand was busy ribbing Robin. The batty old lady was busy milking the goat. Yvette was making some personal additions to her new flower wagon. Robin would have his affairs of the heart, Teillagory mused. After all, hadn't he been a favourite with the ladies back when he was a young one? His original plan had been to offer to take Durand and that old dame out to lunch and leave the young lovebirds some time to get to know each other better. The forest glade they were in was cool with shady trees and sweet with summer blooms and birdsong. Hadn't he charmed many a young lady in such surroundings in his day? _Ah, well… so much for the best laid plans of men…_

"Get in the car, boys. D'Eon needs some help with the tots." Teillagory jangled his car keys.

"No way!" Durand said. "They wrecked my apartment!"

"What happened this time?" Robin asked. "Rabbit stew?" Yvette offered, ladling some stew from her cooking pot. "No thanks, I'm vegetarian!" Robin replied.

"What does that mean? Wait till you taste this!" Yvette held up the spoon. It smelled terribly delicious. "Sorry!" Robin dashed for the car, least temptation got the better of him.

"Go with him, brother of mine!" Yvette gave Durand a shove in the direction of Robin's flight. "Try to keep him from being killed, with you?" she added as an afterthought.

"Send my regards to the twins!" Sophie waved. Teillagory started up the engine of his trusty car and started off in the direction of D'Eon's place.

* * *

About half an hour later, Teillagory drew up to the curb. Standing at the entrance to the apartment building was D'Eon. The cranky twins clung to his legs. He carried several plastic bags of dripping groceries and the baby bag. "I have more perishables upstairs…" he said as he untangled the little arms from his legs. Teillagory had the air conditioning of his car on full. The twins obligingly clambered into the cool interior, joining Robin in the backseat. Durand joined D'Eon to carry down the remaining groceries while their companions waited.

The Robespierre home was in the suburbs. It was an architecture folly of Maximilien's father and ended in his bankruptcy and divorce from Maximilien's mother. It was rebuilt according to 18th century plans of a manor house. It boasted a small garden, yard and a Rococo-style façade. The then newly widowed Madame de Beaumont and her children purchased the house from Monsieur Robespierre over dinner. The divorcee and widow were wed within the year and Maximilien moved out in protest. When his father died, the house remained in de Beaumont hands, until Lia's marriage.

Teillagory chuckled. The house passed from Robespierre to de Beaumont and now back to Robespierre hands. Or he might be mistaken. The name plates beside the gate read. "de Beaumont" and "Robespierre" in elegant wrought iron.

The children had quietened down by now. D'Eon disembarked and unlatched the gate. They drove into the short driveway. D'Eon smiled at fond memories of the times he had spent in the house with his sister. The roses were withered from the heat and the lawn parched but the white swing-seat on the balcony overlooking the garden remained unaltered. After parking the car, its occupants sought the shade of the porch. D'Eon felt in his pocket for the key.

"Oh oh…" D'Eon groped frantically in his pocket before dashing back to the car. He flipped over the car mats and felt between the seat cushions.

"What's wrong?" Durand asked.

"I left the door key back in my apartment!" D'Eon replied.

"Guess we will have to nip back then…" Teillagory nonchalantly got in the car. D'Eon joined him in the passenger seat. The old man turned the ignition. There was a spluttering sound before the hood of the Renault popped open with a whoosh of steam. There was a moment of silence before Teillagory rolled up his sleeves and exited the car to inspect the damage.

"I need a tow truck," the old man conceded defeat and slammed the hood shut. "We could walk back…" he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"In this heat? You can bake pancakes on the pavement, Gramps!" Robin protested. The twins were starting to act up again.

"Come on, D'Eon… where would your sis hide the spare key?" Durand asked as he peered into the nearby flowerbox.

"Coo-ee! Mrs Marley? Mr Robinson?" D'Eon tried calling to his neighbours, an elderly Australian widow and a retired literature teacher. Lia might have left a spare key with their old neighbours. The neighbours were clearly out to escape the unbearable heat. The only sign of life from the neighbouring houses was a lazy pussy cat licking her tummy in the shade of a garden umbrella. That gave D'Eon an idea. He hoped Lia and Max Sr. did not make any changes to the back door.

"Durand, the back door, come," he urged. The brunette nodded and followed.

"Hey, don't leave me with them!" Robin protested. The toddlers were really cranky by now. Max Jr. has taken to sinking his baby teeth into his hand to show his displeasure while his sister was smacking Robin across the back of his head. Teillagory had stripped off his shirt and was bent over his car engine, trying to resurrect his old transportation. Apart from getting motor grease and other gunk over his pants and singlet, he was not getting anything to show for his efforts.

* * *

"Break and enter?" Durand glanced about. They were in the alley behind the house. A tall picket fence separated the alley from the yard of the house. Thankfully, the alley and surroundings seemed deserted. It would never do to have Lia bail them both out for breaking into her house.

"Come on, give me a boost… I just need to clear this picket fence," D'Eon explained. Madame de Beaumont had installed a cat-flap in the back door for Mister Chips, their late British shorthair tom. Though bereft of their feline housemate, the de Beaumonts never sealed up the flap in the time D'Eon lived there.

Durand stooped down and cupped his hands. D'Eon stepped into Durand's hands and grasped the top of the fence. With a heave, Durand propelled the younger man up and over.

"Eargh! Ow!" Almost immediately, howls of pain came over the fence.

"D'Eon, what happened?"

"C-cactus…." D'Eon groaned. He had not expected Lia to convert their late mother's herb garden into a cactus garden since his last visit. Limping painfully, he staggered out onto the sandstone-tiled yard. Spines were sticking out of his thighs, calves and rear. Reaching the back door, he tried the cat flap. It was open. He found a pole and gingerly manoeuvred it through the flap, before righting it and trying to unchain the back door.

It did not work. Just then D'Eon's cell phone rang.

"Bonjour?"

"_D'Eon, how are the children today? Do try to keep them indoors and cool. I hear the temperature's hitting 40 degree C…" _

"Working on it… do you have a spare door key lying about? I misplaced mine…"

"_I have one with Anna…"_

"I don't want to bother Anna… I'm now at your house trying to unbolt the back door the old way…"

"_D'Eon, we changed the chain latch to a dead bolt. Where are the children?"_ Lia sounded worried. D'Eon groaned. There was no way they could unbolt the door using a pole.

"Robin and Monsieur Teillagory's watching them up front. My apartment's lost power and…"

"_Listen. Get my kids on the phone. I have an idea which may work." _

* * *

"What's D'Eon playing at?" Robin complained as he carried a flailing Max Sr. through the streets to the back of the house. "I don't know but if it gets us out of this heat…" Durand hoisted Natalia over his shoulder as she screamed and kicked.

"The babies are here," Durand called out over the fence. "Pass them over," D'Eon's voice called out.

"What?" Durand was not sure he heard his friend correctly.

"I said pass them over!"

"Okay, if that is what you want…"

D'Eon gingerly and painfully waded into the cactus patch to receive each tot as Durand passed them over the fence. "They are here, sis," D'Eon informed his sister.

"_Good, now let me have a word with Natalia and Maximilien…"_

D'Eon handed his phone to Natalia. Natalia listened to her mother's voice for a moment then passed the phone to her brother. Maximilien returned the phone to their bewildered uncle.

Natalia and Maximilien Jr. got onto their hands and knees before the back door. With a chubby little hand, Max lifted the cat flap. _Ladies first,_ he grinned at his sister. Natalia scampered through the cat flap, followed by Maximilien. There was a soft scrambling sound inside as the twins got on their feet and headed for the front door.

"_Are they in?"_ Lia's voice asked on the phone.

"Yes, they are in…"

"_Good,"_ Lia hung up.

* * *

"The twins are in the house?" Durand asked. Robin nodded. "That was what he said. They will have to open the front door since they cannot reach the dead blot on the back one. Boy, will gramps be surprised if they open the door," the redhead chuckled and ran back to the front.

"Wait up," Durand followed. Left alone, D'Eon began the tedious and painful process of extracting spines from his legs in the fenced yard.

**Author's Notes:**

A bit of a fright for the twins there, having the TV set go up in flames is quite frightening. Really, some old TV sets can go boom when you least expect it. The one my folks had when I was a kid did. Smoke and flames in the hall finally convinced them it was time for a new TV set.

Terrible things heat waves. I read that folks have died during heat waves in many cities. The children clearly inherited their parents' brains. Poor D'Eon. He should really visit his sis more often. Landing in a cactus patch must be really painful.


	10. Oops I Did it Again

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

**10. Oops I Did It Again**

"Now _le enfants_ are inside, what do we do?" Teillagory asked. Robin tried to peer in through the window glass. He could make out two tiny figures through the glass.

"Here they come… oh my…" he remarked at the sight of young Maximilien and Natalia tottering to the front door. There was a click and the front door opened to admit three hot and flustered men. Placidly sucking on his pacifier, Max switched on the air-conditioning using the remote control. A gust of cool air brought relief to their guests. Natalia offered them a box of tissues to wipe the perspiration off their brows. They had their instructions from their mama.

_Better get the mechanic on the job._ Looking at his broken-down car, Teillagory took out his mobile phone and dialled his regular workshop. He went to the hallway to discuss the arrangements with his mechanic.

Exhausted from the heat, the toddlers drowsily crawled up the stairs to seek out their own beds for a nap. Robin scurried off to the nearest washroom to treat a series of nasty teeth-marks on his forearms courtesy of the toddlers.

"Wow, Lia and Max sure know how to live it up," Durand ran an admiring hand over the couple's entertainment system. It was the best model on the market as far as he knew. Some music would be nice. The couple also had a terrific CD selection in their lounge. He selected a _Top of the Charts_ CD and popped it in. Britney Spears' voice started crooning _Oops I Did It Again_ on the hi-fi.

A beer would be nice. Durand made his way to the refrigerator. Wow, they have that top-grade _German Oktorberfest_ brand he liked. _Maximilien wouldn't mind, would he?_ Durand helped himself to a can, missing the sight of D'Eon picking cactus spines out from his thighs through the glass of the kitchen window. He took a sip. Delicious. Maybe he should take the entire pack for the others. Satisfied with the cool beer, the brunette sat down in a comfy armchair in the lounge.

Everyone had forgotten about D'Eon, who was waiting patiently in the sun-baked yard for admission.

* * *

_What was taking them so long? _D'Eon wiped his brow. The sun was climbing and whatever shade he had was disappearing with the coming noon. He reached for his phone to find that his battery was flat. That left one option open to him.

"Guys, I am still out here!" D'Eon pounded on the back door. "Let me in!"

Inside, Durand had the hi-fi blasting loud in the lounge. In the bathroom, Robin could not hear D'Eon's desperate cries over the running faucet. Old Teillagory was already deaf in one ear and had the other glued to his mobile phone in conversation with his mechanic.

Thirsty, hot and in pain from the cactus, D'Eon eased his body into the narrow strip of shade left to him. He could scream no more. His voice had quit on him after fifteen minutes of shouting. He peered through the glass of the kitchen window and waved. No one was in the kitchen to witness his frantic waving.

* * *

Teillagory's mechanic, a former army mechanic, soon showed up with his truck. The elderly men immediately fell into reminiscing about the old days in the army while fixing the Renault. The pair also helped themselves to the cold beer Durand had taken from the Robespierres' fridge.

"Hey, Robin. Look what I found," Durand called out when Robin stepped out into the hall.

"_Sisterhood of the Wolf_? I wanted to watch that but it was rated R for nudity, sex and all that…" Robin exclaimed.

"Well, I found this on Max's CD rack. Wanna watch? I got some cold beers in here too."

"Sure!" There was no telling how long the mechanic would take fixing the car. A little illicit movie would do no harm, he thought.

Durand and Robin both retreated into the sound-proofed lounge to watch the movie. An hour into the movie, Teillagory joined them with the good news that his car was fixed.

"Hey, is that the _Sisterhood of the Wolf_? Oh-la-la, look at Mariette Maden's bosom," the old man blinked and swallowed at the sight of the lead actress' exposed frontal assets. He sat down next to the drooling Durand and goggle-eyed Robin.

* * *

In the backyard, D'Eon realised that he would have to rely on himself for rescue. He had tried without success to clamber over the back fence and only earned more cactus spines in his flesh for his efforts. The dripping garden tap in the yard yielded a few precious mouthfuls of rusty water, not enough to slake his thirst. His throat felt like he had swallowed sand.

All his shade was gone by now. The sandstone tiles were baking hot. Desperate, he cast his eyes upwards to the upstairs window. The overhanging flower box and its pots of now-shrivelled plants beckoned. _If he could only reach the bottom of the box…_

D'Eon leapt again and again. The lower edge of the box hung tantalising close to his outstretched fingers. Finally he caught hold of the bottom of the box, which promptly gave way under his weight. Flower pots crashed down into the yard.

* * *

The sound of breaking pots roused the twins from their slumber. _Whassat? _Natalia blinked. She stared at her twin. _I go see…_ She slid off her bed. Her brother did the same.

_I go with you…_ Max Jr. held her hand and the pair tottered over to the window overlooking the backyard. Bewildered, the pair stared at an unconscious D'Eon lying amidst the shattered flowerpots.

_I think he is hot… _Natalia padded off down the stairs. Max Jr. followed. The pair retrieved a carton of tomato juice from the kitchen and crawled through the cat flap. Unscrewing the cap, they emptied the juice all over D'Eon's head. When that did not get a response from their uncle, the pair crawled back into the kitchen to get a snack of juice and cookies.

* * *

Half an hour later, the movie ended. "Well, guess I better go…" Teillagory remarked. "Coming, Robin?"

"Aw, it seems like we just got here… couldn't we leave after lunch?" Robin complained. It would be torture to step out into the blazing heat. "I think we forgot something…" Robin frowned. Something was amiss.

"Hey, Robin, Gramps, want to play Cluedo?" Durand asked. He held up the board game he found in the lounge. "Sure!" Robin replied. Durand prepared the board.

"Ask D'Eon if he would like to join in. We'll start first…" Teillagory suggested.

"On it!" Robin scooted out of the lounge. He found the children poring over an illustrated book of fairy tales in the hall. "Where's your uncle?" he asked the tots.

Sucking on their pacifiers, the twins both pointed in the direction of the kitchen.

"Thanks…" Robin peered into the kitchen. "He's not here…" he frowned. His feeling of unease grew. He walked over to the window and peered out.

"I say Major Mustard in the Library with the Candlestick…" Durand joked and took a swig from the last can of beer. "Wait till we start for real," Teillagory chided. "I hope D'Eon's cooking up something…"

A breathless Robin ran into the lounge. "D'Eon in the yard with the flowerpot!" he yelled.

"We don't have a yard in Cluedo," Durand laughed and ruffled Robin's crew cut.

"I'm not joking! I think D'Eon's dead!" Robin bleated. "There's blood all round him and smashed pots… Lord, I think he tried to climb in and fell. The back door is still bolted and he… We forgot about him! Madame Lia's going to kill us!"

A chill ran through the trio. This was bad, real bad. They hurried to the kitchen and unbolted the back door. D'Eon was lying on his back, eyes closed, in the searing heat. Fragments of smashed flowerpots lay about him. A red liquid pooled about his head and back and was already drying to a rusty shade…

"Is he breathing?" Robin whimpered and clutched at Teillagory's arm. The old man bent over the limp form and felt for a pulse. There was a weak one.

"Durand, take his legs. We must get him out of the sun!" Teillagory instructed. Together, they moved D'Eon indoors and onto a sofa. D'Eon's skin had blistered from sunburn and had a shade of red like a cooked lobster. Teillagory checked for any wounds to the head. Robin and Durand worked at trying to cool his fevered skin down with cold towels and extracting cactus spines from his flesh.

* * *

The streets were quiet and foggy. "The deceased is D'Eon de Beaumont…" Robin called out solemnly as he rang the bell in his hand. He marched beside Durand while Teillagory led the procession bearing a cross. It was a scene from a period drama he held a bit part in. _Except the lines were wrong. Very wrong._ "He died because his friends forgot about him and left him to cook in the sun…" Robin continued.

Their sorry procession marched on until they reached an old-fashioned town square. A lone figure waited for them there.

"Yes, he died because you killed him…" Lia stepped out of the fog bearing an axe in her hand. Without further ado, she hacked at Teillagory. With a choking cry, the old man went down amidst spraying blood. Still she continued to hack and slash at the fallen man. Blood dyed her garments red.

"Gramps!" Robin screamed and turned to Durand for help. To his horror, he saw a cadaverous D'Eon throttling the brunette. Grinning like a pair of tiny devils, the twins gleefully stabbed the dying man in the thighs with little daggers. As Durand sank dead to the cobblestones, the dead D'Eon turned his hollow eyes on Robin. Robin backed away and bumped into Maximilien Sr.

"Monsieur, you got to save me," Robin pleaded. Max smiled and pointed at the stake and pile of faggots which had appeared out of the fog. Robin frowned. "Wasn't that the prop scaffold from the set of _Joan of Arc_?"

"No!" Robin screamed as Lia and D'Eon seized him by the arms and dragged him up to the stake. Max Jr. and Natalia followed with rope and a flaming torch…

* * *

"Argh!" Robin sat up in shock. A pair of wide-eyed twins stared at him through their blue eyes as they chewed on their oatmeal.

"Nightmare?" Teillagory looked up from his microwave lunch. "Durand's trying to cook his lunch in the kitchen… You have a sandwich waiting, well, half a sandwich." Robin looked at his half-eaten sandwich on the coffee table. It was coming back to him now. The 'blood' was tomato juice. D'Eon had opened his eyes. Lia was not going to kill him for killing D'Eon…

"How's D'Eon?" Robin asked. "Sunburnt but still alive," D'Eon croaked as he entered the lounge. "Lia's going to kill me when she sees the mess back there…"

"I'll help," Robin offered. "After my sandwich."

"Oh, my phone just went off…" Teillagory murmured and pulled out his phone. He walked off to the entrance hallway to get a better reception. He soon returned with a grim look on his face.

**Author's Notes:**

I can't resist doing a nightmare bit.


	11. Nightmares

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

**11. Nightmares**

"_What do you mean you are stranded in Spain?"_ D'Eon asked his sister. The twins had run into a disagreement over their story book and were having a little tug-o-war with it. Lia could hear their plaintive cries over the phone.

Lia rolled her eyes and glanced over to her husband in the police station. Maximilien had not expected that little rioting charge to stick after so many years. They had gone to the local authorities to arrange for Aunt Johanna's pets to be transported to France and apply for the necessary licenses for the animals. They did not expect Max to have that outstanding fine from his teenage days for participating in an animal rights protest. The idea of young Max streaking nude through a Spanish university fashion department to protest against their fur exhibition was too farfetched for words now.

"Well, we have some pet licenses and a fine to take care of. We should be delayed for a few more days… oh, could you get Durand on the phone? I need some help from him with the re-enactment shoot Vee-TV is doing for the documentary _History of Ballooning_." There was no need for D'Eon to know about his stepbrother's teenage hi-jinks. "We will try to get back as soon as possible."

Lia waited for Durand to come on. She peered down at the obedient Great Dane and Rottweiler at her feet. The three cats, a Maine coon, Turkish Angora and a nondescript ginger tom, lazed in their carrying-cases. Max was trying to talk his way out of a night in the local jail and apparently failing.

"_Need some help?"_

"Yes, you know Robert Wood the balloonist, right? And de Guercy…"

"_Yes…"_ The English balloonist had helped with many of Vee-TV's programmes in between trying to break ballooning records.

"I need you to keep de Guercy sober enough for the shoot and from being killed by Wood." There was loads of bad blood between Wood and de Guercy ever since the latter destroyed one of Wood's balloons during a shoot during a drunken stupor at an event.

"_Count on it…"_

"Get D'Eon to take the children along. I did promise them a balloon ride with Wood…"

"…"

* * *

D'Eon peered into the refrigerator to gather ingredients for dinner. He was thankful Teillagory and Durand had remembered to load the groceries from the trunk of Teillagory's car in… The refrigerator reeked of urine. Something caught his eye in the crisper bin. Gingerly he fished it out. It was a soiled diaper. Another diaper had been crammed behind the mayonnaise and strawberry jam. He glared at the twins who were innocently smiling in his direction from the kitchen door.

"Seriously, has your mama ever spanked you?" he asked sarcastically. Two sets of shoulders shrugged in unison.

Now D'Eon would have to clean out the fridge and air it before dinner. Grumbling, he rolled up his sleeves and set to work. But first, he had to keep the twins out of mischief.

Taking them by the hand, he dressed them in new diapers and took them to the lounge. "Stay here and watch a nice cartoon, okay?" he sat them on the couch and selected a kiddy VCD from the selection. Lia and Max Sr. had assembled a large collection of Madeline, Barney and Disney shows to entertain their offspring.

When their uncle left, Max and Natalia slid off the couch and stared at the dancing purple dino. _Boring…_ Natalia pressed the eject button on the VCD player while Max rummaged through their parents' CD selection for another movie.

_How about this?_ Max waved a horror movie VCD aloft. _Mama always cuddles up to Papa when they watch this kind of movies… dare to watch? Even Mama gets scared…_ Max sucked on his pacifier and looked at his sister with a challenging gleam in his eye.

_I won't get scared, Max._ Natalia nodded. They popped the new VCD in the player.

* * *

"Where're the twins?" Robin asked as he stepped into the hall from cleaning the yard. Lia would need a new flower box and plants for her upstairs back window. D'Eon was busy in the kitchen with the fridge and Teillagory was napping on the sofa. The redhead put away the broom and dustpan. Durand was sitting at the entranceway poring over a catalogue of electronic goodies that arrived in the mail.

"Seen the twins?" It was awfully quiet. Robin hoped they did not sneak out of the door.

"Should be in the lounge. No way can they get past me," Durand replied. His eyes remained glued on the much-coveted entertainment system advertised. Robin stepped into the lounger where the twins were holding each other tight on the couch.

Their little blue eyes were wide open and glued onto the wide-screen TV. They were watching _The Exorcist_. At a particularly scary scene, they covered each other's eyes. "You'll get nightmares…" Robin shook his head. Both looked as though they had peed in their diapers from fear. "Which imbecile put _The Exorcist_ in for the twins to watch?" Robin called over his shoulder.

"The Exorcist? I put Barney in for them!" D'Eon poked his head out of the kitchen. He put down the frozen lamb's leg he was holding and hastened over. He picked up the CD case on the coffee table. On one side of the case was the title _Barney and Friends_. The video CD was still inside the case. That was odd. Then he noticed that the empty _Exorcist Trilogy_ CD case was lying at the twins' feet. D'Eon had a sinking feeling he was going to pay for it that night.

* * *

The twins were tottering along a darkened tunnel. _Mama? Papa?_ They searched the darkness around them fearfully. _Uncle Dummy?_ _Anna? _The pair paused as the ground beneath their bare feet crumbled away into a gaping chasm. Then they were falling through the air as demonic laughter taunted them…

"WAHH! WAHHH!"

D'Eon groaned and flicked the light on. He had decided to spend the night in his old room, now turned into the twins' bedroom on a tatami sleeping mat Lia had stashed in the storeroom. His apartment was still without power and he could not take a hot shower there. It was the seventh time the twins woke him up. He stared at the Mickey Mouse clock on the wall. It was three a.m. The twins' screams quietened down as soon as the lights came on. Maybe he should leave them on. _But with the lights on, the twins can't sleep and they will get fretful._ He did not know what to do with them.

He staggered to his feet and over to the twin cot beds. Max Jr. and scrambled into his sister's bed and was huddled under the covers with Natalia. Warm milk did not work, pacifiers did not work… and when D'Eon tried to sing a lullaby, he was pelted with teddy bears and pillows.

"Mama… Papa…" the twins sobbed and rubbed their teary eyes.

"Sorry, mama and papa are away…" D'Eon hugged both tots. Maybe they would be more comfortable in their parents' bed.

Taking them by their hands, D'Eon padded across the hall to Lia and Max's bedroom. The tots eagerly clambered into the large double bed and snuggled up against the pillows. D'Eon stared at the wedding portrait of Lia and Maximilien Robespierre. The couple had chosen a very flattering Baroque-style painting depicting the seduction of the Spring Goddess by the West Wind. Maximilien, impossibly buff and with a mischievous smile on his face, embraced a gauze-swathed Lia. Lia's face was turned towards her would-be seducer, lips pursed for a kiss. D'Eon shook his head. It was not the type of painting he would like to have hanging on his bedroom wall. _Why can't they have a typical suit and gown wedding photo? _

"Good night," D'Eon turned to go but the children reached out to grab his sleeve. "You want me to stay?" he asked.

Two golden-haired heads nodded in unison.

"Very well then…" D'Eon switched off the lights and crawled in under the covers. The bed was scented with sandalwood and lavender. Max Jr. snuggled his little head against the crook of his neck while Natalia snuggled up against his back like a pair of kittens. The steady beat of his heart slowly lulled the children to sleep.

**Author's Notes:**

The parents are delayed in Spain.

A little fluffy moment for the twins and D'Eon.

The Exorcist is scary. The movie that really freaked me out as a kid was Jaws. I dare not even use the toilet alone after that one.

I believe it is in character for Lia and Max to do something different for their wedding pics.

Away in a balloon next?


	12. Up, Up and Away

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

Fact – The first hot air passenger-carrying balloon was built in France during the 18th century by the Montgolfier brothers.

For this part of the fic, you may picture the crew wearing their 18th century garments.

**12. Up, Up and Away**

"How did all the extras end up with food poisoning?" Teillagory asked. He adjusted the feathered hat on his head. He and his grandson were waiting on the edge of the field. A colourful balloon was tethered on the field with a knot of technicians and actors hanging about. De Guercy's wig was askew and the poor makeup artists were chasing after him as he staggered about drunk. The balloonist Robert Wood was similarly dressed in a 18th century costume. He was in the basket making last-minute adjustments to his craft. Although the designs and motifs on the balloon were replicas of the original motifs on the balloon designed by the Montgoflier brothers, the firing system was a modern one. The ground crew ran about checking the tethering ropes.

"Simple, they dined out at the same dodgy café behind the studio last night…" Robin replied and tugged at his cravat. His costume was awfully hot. Fortunately, he did not require a heavy wig. Due to the sudden shortage of extras, almost everyone at Vee TV had gathered to make up the crowd of spectators. Even Marie and her son had deigned to don costumes for the shoot. Marie looked very regal in a green ball gown. Her son walked beside her in knee-breeches and wearing a powdered wig on his head.

"Anna!" Auguste waved to his favourite nanny. Anna was dressed in a lovely pink gown. The young woman smiled and came over to the boy.

"D'Eon is here too," Auguste pointed off to where D'Eon was nonchalantly checking out his costume in a mirror. He did not expect to be roped in for a bit part. At least he wasn't wearing a dress this time. He was dressed as a soldier of some kind, with a blue uniform jacket and an odd-looking tasselled helmet. A prop sword in his belt completed the look. He looked over to where Durand, dressed in a green overcoat and breeches, and a knot of admiring makeup artists fussed over the twins.

They had found some garments the twins' size. Natalia was dressed in a red gown fit for a lady of noble blood. Her bob of blond hair was curled and topped with a small red bow. Maximilien wore a violet coat, cravat and matching breeches of indigo. White stockings and buckled shoes completed the look. Natalia played with a small hand fan while her twin toyed with a book. They looked oddly grownup in those clothes.

"Ball-loon!" the twins squealed in delight when they spotted the balloon inflating. All pretence of adult dignity left the children as they leapt up and down clapping their hands with childish exuberance.

"Now, now… you can get the balloon ride after the shoot," Anna laughed and hugged the twins. She beamed at D'Eon. "Your ribbon is crooked…" she reached over to tie up his hair. The twins clung thoughtfully to her heavy skirts. D'Eon thought he was fortunate the twins did not act up that morning and he was able to hitch a ride from Teillagory. In fact, the children had been on their best behaviour so far.

"Anna, you look divine…" D'Eon gasped as he stared into her turquoise eyes.

"And you look like a knight, my knight in shining armour…" Anna smiled and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek. The twins giggled.

_Let's go see the balloon_… Maximilien signalled to his sister. Natalia nodded. The twins released their hands from Anna's skirts and tiptoed off.

* * *

"I cannot work with him! He is a hazard! An alcoholic drunk!" Robert Wood complained. "I am not allowing him in my balloon." De Guercy hiccupped and lay back in his folding chair. He tipped over onto the grass. Durand signalled to a prop assistant to remove their drunken actor as the English balloonist looked on with disgust. He lowered the flame on his burner and clambered out of the basket.

"Now, now, look on the bright side. At the rate he is going, we will simply have to prop him up in the basket and you fly the balloon over…" Durand tried to soothe the irate balloonist's ruffled feathers. Wood stormed off in a huff. Things were not looking good. There was a dark cloud in the distance, a possible storm and they must complete the shoot before the weather takes a turn for the worse.

"Places, people…" the director called out. "Where's de Guercy?" he looked about for their lead actor. "We need to finish the shoot! If he is too drunk, we will get someone to stand in for him! This is the last time I let him use wine to get over his flying phobia!"

The approaching dark clouds were starting to cause concern among the crew. No one noticed two small children climbing into the balloon basket. The wind was picking up. The children giggled as the fully-inflated balloon lofted upwards. The tension on the ropes tethering it grew, until one then two snapped.

"Where are the twins?" D'Eon asked suddenly. Anna looked around her. There was a flurry of activity as the strong gusts of wind wreaked havoc on the set. Scripts and parasols flew. Anna held on to her skirts as the wind sent them skywards. There was no sign of the twins.

There were shouts of horror as the balloon took to the sky, trailing broken ropes. As the balloon drifted overhead, D'Eon spotted two familiar faces peering over the edge of the basket.

"No!" he shouted and ran after a trailing rope. He grabbed hold and held on. His feet left the ground.

"D'Eon!" Anna screamed as her boyfriend was whisked into the air. D'Eon's prop helmet fell off and tumbled to the ground below.

_Don't look down, don't…_ D'Eon could not resist taking a peek. He saw Anna's frightened face looking up at him. The people were getting smaller as the balloon rose. It was too late for him to let go. He trembled and glanced upwards to where the twins were waving to him. He slowly and painfully hauled himself upwards and into the basket.

"Durand! Monsieur Teillagory! D'Eon is up there!" Anna ran towards them. Horrified, the two men looked up and spotted the blond clinging to the rope. "I think he's going to climb in," Robin lifted a binoculars to his eyes for a closer look. "Wait, gosh, the twins are in the basket!" The trio leapt into action.

"My balloon!" the stricken balloonist Wood cried out as his craft grew further and further away. Durand seized Wood by the collar. "Get a hold of yourself, man! There are little kids in that basket and we need you to get them down!"

"I can't! Not from the ground…" Wood protested.

"Can you contact the balloon? We have a friend hanging on to the ropes. If he can get into the basket, would you be able to tell him how to land that thing?" Durand asked.

"My crew has a walkie-talkie… but no chase vehicle. It was supposed to be a tethered balloon…" Wood explained. Durand nodded and smiled. There was a chance they could get D'Eon and the twins down safely.

"Grab the walkie-talkie and get in my car… I'll drive!" Monsieur Teillagory shouted. The men piled into the car. Robin took the front passenger seat with his binoculars in hand. Durand shoved Wood into the back seat. The brunette also had a roadmap of the area.

"Good news, D'Eon is still hanging on, and he is making for the basket…" Robin announced as he kept his binoculars trained on the balloon.

"Try to get the weather station on the radio. We need to find out the wind speed and direction…" Durand suggested. Robin nodded and tuned the radio. _"Strong gales expected…"_

* * *

Panting heavily, D'Eon hoisted himself over the edge and into the basket. It was so still and quiet there. The twins were sitting in the bottom of the basket and peering curiously at a walkie-talkie. Gingerly, the blond picked it up. The walkie-talkie crackled to life.

"_D'Eon! Turn the flame on!"_ It was Durand's voice. _"Turn the red valve on the burner…" _Wood's voice added. _"Not too much."_

"_For God's sake, hurry!" _Robin's voice added. _"You're flying straight into power lines!"_

D'Eon glanced up to see the approaching power lines. He grabbed hold of the red valve on the burner and turned. The burner flame leapt upwards, filling the envelope with hot air. The balloon rose, just skimming over the deadly power lines.

"_Easy on the burner…"_ Wood warned. "_You don't want to use up all your fuel_…." D'Eon released the cord. He peered over the edge. They were a lot higher up now. The landscape below was like a patchwork quilt of fields and toy-like buildings. Durand's voice came over the walkie-talkie.

"_D'Eon, we are in Monsieur Teillagory's car and following you. Wood will talk you into landing…" _

"S-sure…" D'Eon replied. They were travelling over a built-up area now. Natalia and Maximilien peered over the edge of the basket eagerly as the balloon drifted along. Tiny houses, cars, trees and people passed by below as Wood gave D'Eon a crash course in ballooning. Natalia and Maximilien watched as their uncle struggled with the cords and burner. _It looked like fun…_

* * *

Finally there was a field that seemed a likely landing spot. Slowly and steadily, D'Eon followed the instructions relayed to him over the walkie-talkie to bring the balloon into a controlled descent. The skies have darkened considerably by now.

"_Pull the yellow cord to allow the air to vent… Ready?" _

D'Eon took hold of the cord. "Got it!" he called out to the balloonist over the walkie-talkie. He could see Teillagory's car cruising along the main road.

What he did not see was the twins reaching over to the burner knob. They had grown bored of watching the French countryside pass by under them. Natalia stooped down so that her brother could climb onto her back so that he could reach the knob that controlled the burner flame.

"_One, two…" _D'Eon readied himself to vent the and deflate the balloon slowly.

Maximilien Jr. twisted the knob, sending the flame shooting high into the envelope. With stomach-churning speed, the balloon shot upwards rapidly. D'Eon stumbled and fell onto his face. The walkie-talkie fell out of his hand and down to earth miles below. The twins clapped their hands in delight as the balloon continued on its flight.

With a moan, D'Eon staggered to his feet, rubbing his cheek. "No, don't touch…" he hurriedly lowered the burner strength to stop their ascent. They were higher now, and travelling in a different direction from that they were in originally. To his dismay, he realised he had lost the only means of communicating with the ground.

* * *

"D'Eon! What the heck was that? Answer me!" Durand shouted into the walkie-talkie. D'Eon was not answering. The balloon was going up and away from them. The strong winds from an impending storm swept it along.

"After the balloon!" Wood shouted. "They are heading for Paris! If they run out of fuel…" He left the words hanging.

"Lia and Monsieur Robespierre will kill us, slowly and painfully if their babies end up falling from the sky," Robin declared.

"Then hang on to your seats!" Teillagory floored the accelerator and sped after the runaway balloon. They soon ran into a traffic snarl in the Parisian outskirts. A trailer truck, a bus and two mini vans had collided in a chain collision. The trailer had spun round, blocking off the entire width of the highway.

"_Sacre blue_! What a time for multi-car pile-up!" Teillagory honked in exasperation. He threw the car in reverse but they were hopelessly hemmed in. Other motorists gawked at the sight of four people clad in 18th century garb in Teillagory's car. Robin disembarked and scanned the skies through his binoculars. He had lost sight of the balloon. D'Eon was alone.

* * *

D'Eon prayed as he spotted the first tall buildings approaching. They were entering Parisian airspace now. A brush-up against any skyscraper would be deadly to their fragile craft. Oblivious to the danger, the toddlers squealed and chortled in delight at the sight of a flock of geese flapping by. The geese honked and stared at the odd-looking fellow flyers. As the air in the balloon cooled, they lost altitude. D'Eon allowed a brief blast to lift them over a tall tower block which lay in their path. He had lost sight of Teillagory's car. He hoped his friends were still tracking his flight.

"Iffy tower!" Natalia and Max Jr. tugged on D'Eon's elbow and pointed at the famous landmark they were approaching. They needed more altitude to clear the top of the Eiffel Tower. He turned on the burner. However, it spluttered a weak flame before dying. Their fuel was gone.

"No," D'Eon whispered. He tried to start up the burner to no avail. They were approaching the tower and dropping height quickly. The kids waved to the crowds of amazed tourists below them as their uncle tried to steer the craft clear. The basket skimmed past the tower. There was a ripping sound as the balloon caught on the tip of the tower. D'Eon grabbed hold of the children and threw himself to the bottom of the basket as it lurched dangerously. They were left hanging precariously about a thousand feet up in the air.

* * *

_In Spain…_

"That's the fine paid, license and travel papers for the pets sorted out…" Lia ran through her list. Maximilien, happy to be out of jail and back with his beloved, kissed her on the hand as they cuddled up in the privacy of their hotel room. Their train tickets were ready. They could not arrange a place on the flights for their new pets so they had to forgo a quick flight home. Still a train ride through the countryside would be romantic.

"Oh, it's almost lunchtime. Shall we call room service?" Maximilien asked. He held up the hotel's room service menu. "Tacos and salsa, pasta or seafood tapas? Then follow it with a siesta before going to the train station…"

"Oh Max, you decide…" Lia laughed and slipped out from under the covers. The proposed siesta would include some serious lovemaking. She strolled over to the TV in her full naked glory as her husband watched appreciatively. She switched it on and lunch became the furthest thing from their mind.

"_Fast-breaking news. In Paris, a hot air balloon crashed into the Eiffel Tower…" _

D'Eon's pale face and the grinning faces of the twins were flashed on the screen as the story unfolded. Lia threw on her clothes. Max grabbed his shirt and pants and fished out his cell phone. He dialled his friend's number.

* * *

"_Durand?"_ Durand blanched when he heard that calm voice over his cell phone._ "Care to explain why my son and daughter are hanging off the Eiffel Tower in a wicker basket?"_

"There was an accident. But don't worry, D'Eon is with them… Everything is under control…" he coaxed. He covered the mouthpiece. "They're stuck on top the Eiffel Tower."

"_Under control? D'Eon is also hanging off the Eiffel Tower…"_ Max added. _"Are you under the Tower?"_

"No. we are stuck in a jam outside Paris city limits," Durand admitted. He guessed that Max and Lia were watching the events unfold via live TV news and there was no point denying it.

"_Durand, who else do you have with you?"_

"Monsieur Teillagory, Robin and Wood the balloonist…"

"_Good. I want you lot there even if you have to walk. I don't want my kids to have to deal with the media after such a traumatic event… Let Wood do a speech or something about ballooning." _Maximilien sounded awfully calm for one whose children were apparently in danger of falling to their deaths. _"We shall talk when we get back from Spain…"_

**Author's Notes: **

Balloon crashed into the Eiffel Tower. I guess there is no way anyone is covering this one up.


	13. La Eiffel Tower

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

D'Eon and the twins are hanging off the Eiffel Tower in a basket dressed in 18th century garb

**13. La Eiffel Tower**

"D'Eon!" Anna gasped as she pedalled up to the tower. She had rented a bike after Marie's car became stranded in traffic. She could see the wicker basket holding her beloved swinging from the top of the tower. Strong gusts caused the basket to sway wildly. The same wind tore at her red hair and voluminous skirts. She had not bothered to change out of her costume when the news came over the radio. Instead, she had begged Marie to drive her to the Eiffel Tower. When caught in the traffic, she had rented a bicycle to cycle the rest of the way.

A thunderstorm loomed. It was going to be a difficult rescue. The rescuers were preparing an air cushion below the tower to catch the stranded children and D'Eon, just in case.

D'Eon spotted the pink gown among the watching crowds below. "Anna?" he leaned out of the basket for a better look. There was a ripping sound as the balloon envelope tore. _If it tore through…_ It was a very long way down.

The basket gave a stomach-churning lurch. Natalia and Maximilien Jr. were jumping up and down. "Stop that!" D'Eon ordered. Obediently, they stopped and stared at their uncle through innocent blue eyes.

"Just keep still…" D'Eon coaxed. The rescuers were below them rigging up some sort of rescue harness to lower them to safety. Max Jr and Natalia exchanged looks. _I'm bored…_ Natalia yawned. _Can we get off?_ She nodded at the steel girder that was tantalisingly close to the basket. _Think so…_ Max Jr. climbed slowly onto the edge of the basket.

D'Eon waited and watched. He could spot Marie's car on the street below, as well as Teillagory's battered Renault. The occupants were standing about Anna, trying to comfort her. He turned back to the twins and his heart almost stopped short. The children were toddling on a steel beam, part of the famous tower. There was another ominous tearing sound. D'Eon hastened out of the basket and onto the beam. In his haste, his prop sword was dislodged from his belt. It went plummeting down, bouncing off the tower and startling the crowd below.

"Look!" Anna shouted in horror and pointed up. There was a blur of red and a purple blur on the dizzying heights. Robin raised his binoculars to his eyes for a better look. It was the twins. They perched precariously on a steel beam. Approaching the children on his hands and knees was D'Eon.

"Don't move… Uncle's coming to get you…" D'Eon called out. The twins only looked at him silently with the wind whipping all about them. D'Eon tried hard not to look down or think of the great distance between them and the ground. The going was painfully slow.

A violent gust caught Natalia's red skirts and blew her clean off the beam. "NATALIA!" D'Eon screamed and lunged forward. "Lia!" Max Jr. bleated in alarm and grabbed her arm. His young strength was not enough to pull her to safety. His sister's weight caused him to pitch off the beam as well.

"NO!" D'Eon screamed, threw himself clean off the beam and grabbed wildly for the children. Somehow, he managed to catch hold of both children. He held them close to his breast as they fell, shielding them protectively. He prayed to God to at least let the children live…

"D'EON!" Anna screamed when D'Eon and the children fell like a stone off the tower. There was a loud 'flump' as they landed on the large air cushion.

Anna and D'Eon's friends hurried over to the air cushion. D'Eon was lying motionless on his back with both tots clutched in his arms.

D'Eon moaned softly. He felt sore all over. Gingerly, he opened his eyes to the smiling faces of his niece and nephew. "Again! Again!" they sat up squealing and clapping. D'Eon only replied with a groan and closed his eyes. He felt queasy from all the shaking.

"D'Eon!" Anna called out and clambered over to D'Eon. She hugged her boyfriend fiercely and kissed him.

"Anna?" a stunned D'Eon blinked. "That hurts…" he winced as a sharp pain hit him in the side.

"I am sorry…" Anna apologised and freed her grasp on him. "Anna…" D'Eon smiled and looked at her in the eye. He kissed her on the lips. He lay back with Anna on top of him, still kissing. He could feel the delicious curves of her bosom pressing against his chest through her lace corset, enough to make him ignore the pain in his side. Robin and Durand poked their heads up over the side of the air cushion.

"Hey, no snogging up there!" Robin teased.

"Way to go, D'Eon!" Durand hollered. D'Eon and Anna blushed beet-red and stopped kissing. They scooted apart and looked away awkwardly,

"Let's get the little ones over to the medics for a check-up," Durand chuckled and grabbed hold of Natalia round the waist. "Righto!" Robin scooped up a giggling Max Jr.

* * *

"You got off light with only a couple of bruises and a cracked rib. Careful there. You will be sore for a while," the doctor advised as D'Eon hobbled out of the examining room with Durand's help. The reporters have been fobbed off by Marie giving an impromptu press interview as the CEO of Vee-TV on the coming French history series and Wood's press release on his upcoming attempt to single-handedly cross Everest in a balloon. No one had thought to interview D'Eon or the children until after the ambulance had whisked them off to the nearest hospital for a check-up.

"The children are unharmed, not a scratch! It's a miracle," Anna exclaimed as she met them. The children licked ice lollies sedately at her side.

"Well, we better change out of these costumes and return them to the Wardrobe department," Durand shrugged. He had his heavy green coat over his arm. Their outfits were attracting more attention from the medical staff and patients than needed. "I'll get Gramps!" Robin called out.

"He's got a possible part in the Vee-TV's next drama swashbuckling offering, _Le Chevalier d' Maison Rouge_…" Durand winked at D'Eon. "He's going to be the young lead. He would need a bit of fencing instruction and riding lessons…"

"If his mama allows it," Teillagory added. "Now get in the car. I will send you to the studio. Later, I could drop you off at your sis' place."

"I should go with you, D'Eon," Anna said. "To help with the children till Lia gets back from Spain."

"Thanks," D'Eon replied. Durand nudged him and gave him a wink. _Way to go, D'Eon…_

"First things first, we go back to the studio to return the costumes, then grab some lunch before sending the young ones home," Teillagory summarized.

"Just so long as we do not lunch at the dodgy café behind the studio," Robin added.

"Will Chef Philippe's cooking suit your palates? There is always the Café de Rouen…" Teillagory's whiskers twitched in amusement. It would be a change from the usual fast food Robin was so used to like most teens his age.

"Does he have salads?" Robin asked. "I'm vegetarian, you know…"

"Sure. Farm salad, veggie soup, potato slaw…" Teillagory counted off on his fingers. "And fruitti-tutti jelly."

"What are we waiting for?" Robin whooped and scampered off to the car.

* * *

"Today's special, Cream of mushroom soup, farm salad, cottage pie for the young ones… Louisiana seafood gumbo for the brown-haired gentleman… BBQ trout for the old Monsieur… veggie lasagne for the young man and Provence-style chicken for the lovebirds…" Chef Philippe drawled as he ran through their orders. He called over his shoulder for the waiter to offer his customers some tea or coffee.

The café ambience was lovely with a battered radio playing traditional Orleans music and watercolour prints of the French countryside on the walls. The chef was a flamboyant character with a dark moustache and curly shoulder-length hair which D'Eon secretly suspected was a ill-fitting wig. His apron-front read '_King of the Grill_'. He had placed D'Eon, Anna and the toddlers in a quiet corner of the café while Monsieur Teillagory and the others took seats at the bar. The tots opted to sit on either side of Anna.

D'Eon's phone rang and he answered it. "Lia?"

"_Nice work with the kids, D'Eon…"_ Lia purred. _"We caught it all on TV. Oh…" _there was a fit of giggling. _"Stop that, Max… I'm still on the phone…"_ Lia whispered away from the phone. D'Eon cringed as he tried not to picture what his brother-in-law and sister were up to.

"_The train should reach Paris by nightfall… oh, Max! Would you ask Anna if she would like a cat? We have three cats and two dogs coming with us…" _

"S-sure, sis…" D'Eon replied and bid his sister au revoir. The chef and Teillagory launched into an animated discussion of the Orleans Ocelots' win, much to Durand's disgust.

It was a hearty lunch that did not disappoint. The children cooed and gurgled over their dessert. Soon, they were yawning and dozing off against Anna.

After lunch, they spent an idle hour or so chatting and soaking up the ambience before they piled into the car for the Robespierre home. The bleary-eyed twins clambered into the back seat and settled on Anna and D'Eon's laps. Robin took his place in the back seat while Durand took the front passenger seat. The plan was simple. Have Teillagory drop D'Eon, Anna and the twins before dropping Durand off at his Parisian apartment. Then the grandfather and grandson could go home for a well-deserved rest.

How wrong they were going to be.

* * *

In Spain, Lia dressed and combed her hair. It had been a long while since they had enjoyed privacy as a couple. Back home, the children were more often than not clamouring for their parents' attention. It was time to leave Spain. "Max…"

"Mm?" Maximilien nuzzled his wife's neck. "Must we go so soon?"

"Stop it, wasn't two hours enough? You may have made me pregnant again…" Lia teased. She kissed him on the lips.

"What's another one? Perhaps we could have a dozen kids…" Max teased and hugged Lia. "Come on, we have a train to catch…" Lia laughed and swatted him playfully with her hairbrush. She gave him a peck on the cheek before tying up her hair in a ponytail.

"Say, did you receive the warning from Elizaveta?" Lia asked. "What do you make of it?"

"You mean that about the Russian mob? Well, yes… but I see no reason to panic," Maximilien replied. "Especially if it is threat is from that godfather-wannabe Pytor and his goons. I mean, besides small-time robbery and extortion, what harm can he do?"

* * *

Anna and the twins entered the house first while D'Eon thanked Teillagory for the ride. The first thing that he saw when he entered the house and closed the door was Anna's fear-stricken face and the nasty-looking gun pressed to her temple. "No one makes a move or sound or she gets it," the bearded goon taking her hostage warned. The place had been trashed.

"Yes, Lia de Beaumont. Any sound and your kiddies get it…" a scrawny man said as he motioned to two other goons holding the sullen twins in their large hands. The twins, to their credit, only sucked on their pacifiers quietly. They did not give any expression of fear.

"Er, Pytor… I don't think that is the bitch…" Voronstov corrected his superior. "No?" Pytor blinked and staggered over to D'Eon.

"What the… Hey!" D'Eon yelped involuntary when Pytor tore open D'Eon's shirt, sending buttons scattering onto the floor.

"Silence and hands above your head," Voronstov warned and pressed the barrel closer to Anna's head. "He may be a relation, the resemblance…" D'Eon raised his hands high above his head as his chest was thoroughly groped.

"So what Voronstov, maybe the bitch has a flat chest…" Pytor was not convinced. He tugged on D'Eon's jeans. "No…" D'Eon gasped out through gritted teeth as the jeans slid down his hips, followed by… "Not in front of the children and her, please…" he begged. With a squeak, Anna raised both hands to cover her eyes as D'Eon's boxers hit the carpet. His niece and nephew only stared in silence, their faces inscrutable.

"Now are you convinced, sir?" Voronstov asked sarcastically.

"D'Eon, my old comrade died on me again. May we use your ph…" Teillagory stepped in through the door. His eyes bugged out at the sight of a half-naked D'Eon with his jeans pooled about his ankles.

"Hands up high or she gets it…" Voronstov ordered. Teillagory obediently complied. "The same for the rest of you…" he added as an oblivious Durand and Robin stepped into the house.

"May I get my pants on please?" D'Eon pleaded.

"Very well… but any false moves and the lady dies," the burly Russian warned. D'Eon pulled on his boxers and jeans.

"Voronstov, should we kill them or something?" Pytor asked. Murder was going to be messy. Messy was not what he liked doing personally.

"You, boy!" Voronstov pushed Anna away from him and pointed the gun at Robin. "Go to that bag and take the rope. Tie up your friends tight or the kids get hurt." One of the goons holding the twins had a knife pressed to Max Jr.'s ear. Robin nodded and retrieved the rope.

"Sorry, Gramps…" the redhead apologised as he bound up his grandfather's wrists behind his back. He also tied up Teillagory's ankles. He did the same for Durand, D'Eon and Anna. Satisfied with Robin's work so far, Voronstov had the goons put the toddlers into the playpen. Robin was similarly bound.

"You're a boy scout, aren't you? Can you get out of your own knots?" Durand whispered to Robin. The redhead was wriggling hard. "Nope… I'm tied up good."

"When Lia gets back home, we will have a nice surprise for her…" Pytor hiccupped as he uncorked one of the wines from the house's wine cellar.

**Author's Notes:**

Poor D'Eon gets felt up and goes Full Monty.

Home invasion scenario. Lia and Max will be in for a bit of a shock when they get home.


	14. Who Let the Tots Out?

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

The adults are tied up for now.

**14. Who Let the Tots Out?**

Teillagory, Durand, Anna, D'Eon and Robin sat quietly bound hand and foot while Pytor's goons wrecked Lia's home. The tots Natalia and Maximilien Jr. listened from the safety of their playpen in the den. Paintings were slashed. Vases smashed. A vase smashing near Anna's feet caused her to cry out in alarm and bury her face into D'Eon's shoulder.

"It's alright, Anna…" D'Eon whispered. Durand was still trying to work his wrists free from his bonds. "You didn't have to tie me up that tight…" he whispered to Robin. "Sorry…" Robin whispered.

"I'm bored…" Pytor whined. "When's Lia coming back?"

"Tonight. I've told you that…" D'Eon replied. "Why are you looking for my sister?"

"Because that bitch helped ruin my drug empire!" Pytor shouted. Durand tried to stifle his laughter at the notion of such a miserable specimen of humanity such as Pytor running a drug empire. "I'm going to slice up her pretty face with my knife!" Pytor ranted. "After raping her…"

"Don't dare you lay a finger on my sister!" D'Eon growled. "I know! Maybe I should practise on your face first," Pytor pulled D'Eon up by his hair. "Voronstov! Where's my knife?"

"Sir, I would humbly suggest that we quit playing about and take off with the kids. We could hold them for ransom. All mothers would do anything for their little ones," Voronstov suggested. The goons, Boris and Igor, were moving the Robespierres' hi fi into their van. Instead of simply trashing the place, Voronstov had decided to indulge in some burglary to make their trip to France worthwhile.

* * *

Natalia and Max Jr. played with some wooden blocks in their playpen. _Why are Anna and Uncle taking so long? I am hungry…_ Natalia asked. _Me too,_ Max Jr. agreed. The twins decided that they needed to leave their playpen and get some cookies. The playpen was a canvas and netting affair that was no challenge to two determined toddlers such as these two.

Voronstov decided he would check in on the tots. What greeted him were an overturned playpen and a pair of soiled diapers.

"Where are the brats?" he muttered in annoyance.

There was a little giggle from behind the curtains. "Hide and seek?" Voronstov said. He walked over to the curtain at the bottom of which a pair of tiny feet was clearly visible.

"Gotcha, let's get you back inside…" he lifted the curtain to reveal a smiling Natalia. That was the last thing he said before the standing lamp crashed into his skull, courtesy of Max Jr., who had tipped over the lamp from his hiding place behind the armchair. The pair chuckled out loud at their handiwork.

Voronstov groaned as he clutched his bloodied head. "I'm gonna kill you, brats…" He tried to get to his feet but Natalia and Max whipped out a skipping rope between them and tripped him. As a coup de grace, Max took the heavy quartz rock paperweight off the coffee table and smashed it on top of the Russian's bald pate.

_Tie him up, like they tied Anna and Uncle? _Natalia took the skipping rope and bound the adult's hands and feet together with her brother's help. Max picked up a soiled diaper and stuffed it partially into the unconscious man's mouth.

Hand in hand, they silently walked out to the hallway.

* * *

"Maybe the little lady would like to entertain us while we wait…" Pytor leered at Anna. He caressed her cheek lecherously. "Leave her alone!" D'Eon yelled. He lashed out at Pytor and landed his feet right in the gangster's nuts.

"Aaaiiieee!" the mobster shrilled like a little girl. "Men, beat him up!" Pytor ordered.

"Right, sir…" Boris and Igor grabbed their captive by the arms. Boris held Durand while Igor punched him a few times.

"Not him, you dolt! The guy with the long hair!" Pytor shouted. Apologising, the minions dropped Durand like a sack of potatoes across Robin's lap and seized D'Eon. This time, the pair simply threw him onto the floor and proceeded to kick him.

"Durand… oh god, you're bleeding…" Robin whimpered as he felt something warm and wet dripping onto his pants as Durand lay motionless face-down in his lap. His white pants were taking on a red tinge. He prayed that the man was only unconscious and not dead.

Teillagory was shouting for them to stop hurting D'Eon and Anna was in tears. D'Eon had managed to roll over in a crouched position with his head tucked close against his chest in a desperate attempt to shield himself from the vicious kicks dealt out to him.

_I think they are not playing with Uncle… _Max looked at the scene and then at his sister. Natalia nodded. Anna was crying. They had never seen Anna so upset. _I wish mama and papa were here…_ Natalia looked at the telephone on the side-table in the hall.

The twins scurried over to the side-table. Max bent down so that his sister could climb onto his back. She reached the phone and press the speed-dial for her mother's cell phone.

* * *

In a train car, Lia and Max Sr. enjoyed a cocktail in between tender kisses and hugs. Lia's phone went off. "Oh bother…" she pouted and reached for her handbag.

"Bon soir…" Lia answered the phone._ "Mama…" _she recognized her daughter's voice. Then she heard the sounds of a commotion in the background as Natalia and Max Jr. brought the phone's receiver as close as they could to the lounge where their uncle was being beaten up by the Russian goons.

"_Stop! You're killing him!" _Anna's voice shrieked in panic.

"_Pick on someone your own size!"_ Robin's young voice cried out. He was brutally cut off by a blow to the face.

"_Leave my grandson alone! He's just a kid!"_ Teillagory barked.

"_Hey, who let the brats out?"_ Pytor shouted as he saw the twins standing in the hallway with the phone_. "Don't just stand there, you idiots! Get them. Where's Voronstov when you need him?"_

"_Adieu,"_ Natalia hung up and ran off with her brother as the goons left off beating their uncle to chase them.

Lia turned to her husband. "Max, we have a serious problem at home." Maximilien could tell from the serious look on her face that she meant it.

* * *

With the pair of goons in hot pursuit, the twins scooted into the kitchen.

In the lounge, Durand was slowly coming to. He moaned and spat blood onto Robin's lap. Robin's nose was bleeding freely. Teillagory had not been spared a beating despite his age. The old man sported a bruise on his jaw and a black eye for speaking out in defence of his grandchild. Anna was weeping. D'Eon was lying bruised and battered on the carpet. Pytor dealt out one last kick to D'Eon's ribs before turning his attentions to Anna.

"Say, forget about that wimp… let me show you what it is like to be with a real man…" he dragged Anna over to the couch.

"No! Let me go! NO!" Anna shrieked in alarm as Pytor blatantly began to force his attentions on her. The outraged curses from the men did nothing to deter him. Teillagory groped about the carpet behind his back. His fingers closed in around a shard of porcelain from a shattered vase… Methodically, he started sawing away at his bonds. It would take time… Time they might not have.

* * *

"Come out, come out wherever you are…" Boris cooed as he stepped into the kitchen and right on top of a banana peel. The goon did a backflip and landed on his fellow minion with a crash. The twins laughed hysterically at the comical sight of the men tangled up on the floor. Max Jr. took a can of whipped cream from the fridge and spurted the cream liberally into their faces.

"Argh! My eyes!" the lackeys screamed. Natalia climbed up onto the countertop and heaved a heavy stone pestle, right on the head of one of the goons. She passed a rolling pin to her brother.

"Ow…" Boris moaned, sat up and rubbed a large bump on his head. Max Jr. tottered over with a rolling pin and dealt out a second crack across the hapless man's skull. This time, Boris' eyes went all swirly and he fell flat on his face. The twins hi-fived each other and sucked on their pacifiers. They forgot about Igor.

"Gotcha!" Igor seized Max Jr. by his romper straps. Natalia nonchalantly took the rolling pin from her brother and smashed it across the man's wrist, forcing him to free Max Jr.

The twins climbed up the stairs with cat-like agility and speed on all fours.

* * *

"Pytor! Oh for the love of the Virgin Mother, what do you think you are doing?" Voronstov stumbled into the lounge. The twins had not yet mastered the knack of tying knots. He grabbed Pytor by the scruff of his neck and hauled him off the young woman. He slapped the scrawny man across the face.

"J-just having some fun… You know…"

"Moron, it is men like you that give the rest of us decent mobsters a bad name," Voronstov grumbled and spat. "Haven't you heard of DNA testing? We could do without you leaving traces for them cops! Oh, the children have escaped."

"I know…" Pytor tried to salvage whether dignity he had left. "So find them! I'm the boss, not you! So scat!"

Defeated, Voronstov stalked off. D'Eon opened his swollen eyes, much to his friends' relief. Anna was left in peace for now. Pytor stalked off and plonked his butt in a nearby armchair and took a swig from a beer can. Teillagory worked as quietly as he could with his makeshift shiv. His fingers were not as nimble as they used to be. There were several strands of rope left.

Robin's sharp eyes caught sight of what his grandfather was up to. The boy shuffled over to the old man's side on his butt and heels to better shield his movements. D'Eon rolled over to the couch so that he was closer to Anna.

"Anna, I'm sorry…"

"Oh, D'Eon… you're hurt!"

"I'm fine…" D'Eon lied. "Just a couple of bruises and scratches…" Silently, D'Eon swore payback from Pytor for making Anna cry. The severed bill of a mounted swordfish nearby looked promising. There was even a little stump of mounted fish that made for a hilt. Unnoticed by a semi-drunk Pytor, D'Eon shuffled over to the bill so that he could use the razor sharp edge of the bill to saw through his bonds.

* * *

Upstairs, Igor had been joined by Voronstov in his search for the twins. This time, Voronostov swore to tie up the tots after spanking them for feeding him their diaper. They tossed out the contents of closets and looked under the beds. There was no sign of the tots. Then they spotted a trail of cookie crumbs.

"Igor, you follow the crumbs, I'll get the rope…" Voronstov ordered. The minion nodded and hobbled off after the trail of crumbs. His leg was still sore from his encounter in the kitchen with his comrade slipping on a banana peel. The crumbs led into the laundry room where piles of soiled laundry had been piled up.

CRASH! The foldable iron board smashed into Igor's head as two tots emerged from hiding. The twins had been hiding in the ironing closet waiting for the opportunity to strike. They hi-fived each other again and tossed a large bed spread over the unconscious goon. The pair tottered out of the room and straight into Voronstov.

"You little brats!" the Russian hollered. He reached out to seize the children. The pair ran off like a pair of startled rabbits. They sought shelter in their parents' room with the enraged Russian in hot pursuit.

**Author's Notes:**

D'Eon is not looking very good now, is he, being unable to protect Anna. And Voronstov having to stop Pytor from raping Anna. Lia now knows her children are in danger from the Russian mob and her friends are in trouble.


	15. What Little Tots are Made of

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

So far the twins are holding their ground quite well for a pair of two-year-olds. When's the cavalry arriving?

**15. What Little Tots are Made of**

The frantic twins ducked under their parents' bed. Voronstov made a dive for them. CRACK! The burly Russian smashed his brow against the edge of the bed. He rubbed his head. The twins clambered out from the other side of the bed. They stopped and stared curiously at the Russian. "Kiss-kiss?" Natalia cooed. She scrambled over the bed and planted a wet baby kiss on the man's bald pate. She patted it shyly with a smile.

"You're not so bad, are you?" the Russian smiled. The little girl's charming manner had won him over.

Just when Voronstov thought that the tots were not so bratty after all, Max Jr. slugged him with one of his father's golf clubs. The pair turned his pockets inside out in search of any cookies. They only found a wallet and some keys, which Natalia tossed into the waste basket.

_Toy?_ Max Jr. lifted mobster's coat up and pulled Voronstov's gun out of his holster. _Scary toy…_ Natalia agreed with her brother. _Made Anna cry._ Max Jr. undid his rompers and peed liberally over the firearm before replacing it into the unconscious mobster's coat.

* * *

D'Eon thought he heard a thud from upstairs. He hoped it was not the twins and that they were alright. It was clear from the occasional winces Robin made that he was taking his turn with the porcelain shard. Durand had taken his place next to Robin, awaiting his turn. Teillagory was wriggling his shoulders as if he were still tied up. However, he lacked his grandson's acting skills. Pytor was one lousy guard, but he was still too close to Anna for them to act safely, just yet.

D'Eon stifled as a yelp as the swordfish bill slipped and sliced into his knuckles. He had to concentrate on freeing himself before he can rescue Anna. And it better be before Pytor starts getting any ideas concerning his precious Anna.

"Done…" Robin whispered and nudged Durand. He pressed the razor-sharp shard to the brunette. His blue eyes scanned the room and the hallway beyond for any sign of Voronstov, the goons or the twins. There was no sign of them.

"Where's Voronstov? I'm outta beer!" Pytor shouted. He crushed the beer can he was holding and threw it across the room at his captives. He was definitely drunk.

The twins toddled downstairs with innocent looks on their faces. Pytor stared at them and blinked. "Where's Voronstov? You two brats should not be running about…"

The twins boldly walked into the lounge. Max Jr. walked up to their captor and tugged on his pants. He rubbed his tummy to indicate that they were hungry. However, Pytor was not in a tolerant or understanding mood. He shoved the boy away. "Get your hands off me! Yuck, baby spit…"

Max did a tumble head over heels. He sat up and shook his head. He exchanged bewildered looks with his sister. They decided to approach their favourite babysitter, Anna. The pair climbed onto the couch and into Anna's lap. Natalia patted Anna's red hair and brushed away tears from her cheeks. It became obvious that Anna and the other adults were in no condition to feed them. Max hugged Anna once before toddling off to the kitchen. There was a sound of smashing ceramic as he shoved the cookie jar off the countertop. He returned with the salvaged cookies and a half-full carton of milk from the fridge.

"Kiss-kiss?" Max asked as he patted his uncle's badly bruised face. D'Eon shook his head but his nephew planted a baby kiss on his cheek anyway.

"Voronstov! And whatever your names are! Where are you? I need some drinks here!" Pytor bellowed. This time a sullen Igor and Boris staggered into the lounge in reply. "Where's my beer?"

The pair glared daggers at the tots before leaving for the kitchen. They soon returned with the bad news that there was no beer left.

"What? Now what do expect me to do while waiting for Lia de Beaumont to get back?" Pytor grumbled.

The tots looked up from where they are munching on their cookies. Natalia shrugged, walked over to a storybook lying on the floor and picked it up. She walked boldly over to the mobster and passed it to him. "Goldilocks and the 3 Bears? I'm not reading bedtime stories to you!" he ripped the storybook in half. Immediately, both tots burst into tears and started wailing like a siren.

"WWAHHHH! WAAAHHHH!"

"Gak! My ears! Shut them up!" Pytor yelled at his goons. "Make them stop!" He fled from the lounge holding his hands over his ears.

"Right boss!" Igor and Boris seized hold of a twin each but the tots kicked them in the nuts and sank their baby teeth into their arms, forcing them to drop them. The tots stopped their wailing all of a sudden as their blue eyes noticed a slight movement from Robin. The redhead was making use of the rumpus to untie his feet. His grandfather already had his ankles free and Durand was freeing his ankles.

"We're going to spank you so hard that you're not gonna be sitting down for weeks." the goons forced the twins into a corner of the lounge. The wide-eyed twins backed away slowly as if in fear.

"Stand and deliver!" The goons lifted their hands up at the sound of Durand's menacing voice.

"No, Durand, it should be 'reach for the sky'…" Robin corrected.

"You watch too many tasteless Westerns…" Teillagory complained. Realizing their would-be captors were unarmed, Boris spun around and felled Durand with a well-placed punch to the jaw. Durand fell heavily on top of Robin.

"Get off me, Durand!" the redhead yelped as he was floored by Durand's bulk. Igor turned his attentions to the old man, cracking his knuckles eagerly. "Ready to suffer, old man?"

Teillagory, however, soon relieved Igor of that notion that he was facing a helpless old man. The WWII veteran attacked with the ferocity of a panther. Using the skills he had learned in his soldiering youth, he subdued Igor with a jab to the throat, gut and a choke-hold that was designed to snap bone had it been delivered at full strength. As it stood, he only knocked out his opponent. The old man had no intention of killing anyone on that day.

"Hands up or the little girl gets it!" Boris hissed when Teillagory turned his attention to him. The old man's whiskers twitched. The goon held Natalia hostage at knife point. Natalia placidly sucked on her pacifier. Her oblivious-seeming brother sat at Boris feet. He fingered something behind his back. Then the little girl's face scrunched up and there was a piddling sound.

"She peed on me! The brat!" Boris howled and dropped the little girl and his knife. Max Jr. lifted a hammer in his little hands and smashed the goon's toes with it. "Aiieee!" the goon hopped about until Teillagory shut him up with a punch to the gut.

"Durand, Robin, let's tie them up first while I free D'Eon and Anna…" Teillagory nudged Durand back into consciousness. D'Eon was already freeing his own ankles. The twins tottered over to their uncle and Anna.

"We must call the police," D'Eon announced. He still held his swordfish bill in his hand. "There are two more of them out there."

"I'll protect Anna and the enfants," Durand said as he dusted himself off. "Yeah, right," Robin mocked. "Seeing you slept through the first round."

"Er, D'Eon, wasn't that swordfish the one your stepfather landed?" Teillagory asked askance as he studied the makeshift rapier in D'Eon's hand. D'Eon nodded. "It can't be helped, I suppose… He is probably in fishing heaven up there…" The late Monsieur Robespierre was a consummate fisherman, who ended his life as fish food after a spear-fishing accident involving a Great White. The swordfish had been a centrepiece of the family's lounge for a good many years.

Anna took the tots with her and took a position behind the couch. She reached for the phone and dialled Lia's number.

"Lia, please pick up…" she prayed.

"_Anna?"_ Lia answered her phone.

"Lia, we have burglars in the house… and D'Eon is hurt…"

"_Calm down, where are my children?"_

"Max and Natalia are here with…" Anna's words died on her lips when she turned around and found the children gone. The twins and crawled out behind her back while the men were busy tying up the goons. D'Eon was on his cell phone, dialling his police pal's number.

"Lia, I'm sorry… they have to be somewhere in the house."

"_Hang on, Max and I will be home soon…" _Lia did not sound too concerned. But then, neither Lia nor her husband were the emotional type.

* * *

In a Parisian police station, an overworked and underpaid Bernis was dreaming of a vacation in Greece with a beach full of hot olive-skinned chicks when he was rudely awakened by his cell phone ringing. Wearily, he groped under the files on his desk until he located the source of the ringing. "Bon soir?" It was just an hour to the end of his shift.

"_Bernis? This is an emergency!"_

"Are you hanging off the Eiffel Tower again, D'Eon? I saw you take a dive off the tower. Have you found your sister's kids yet?" Bernis asked. He had no mood for idle chitchat.

"_No, I mean, yes. The twins are with me… We have Russian mobsters in my house, I mean, Lia's house…" _

"Are you pulling a quick one on me, D'Eon? Are these Russian mobsters holding you hostage at gunpoint?" If this was a joke, it was not funny. Bernis had experienced a prank call from a young Robin once back when he was a trainee in the police academy. Something about being stuck naked in a locker in the TV station while the lead actress Mimi Bardon was being held hostage by a stalker. When he got there, he found the redhead naked and drunk in the dressing room. Mimi Bardon was not even due to be on set. D'Eon might have been put up to a prank by his redhead boy sidekick. D'Eon was a pushover at times.

"_No, not now. But they had guns. Monsieur Telliagory got everything under control. He throws a mean punch. But we have two more hiding out…"_

"Wait, you are saying eighty-year-old Monsieur Teillagory beat up two burly mobster types?"

"_Yes…"_ Bernis frowned. Now he was certain D'Eon was lying. There was no way the ancient cameraman could best two able-bodied mobsters, even if D'Eon helped him.

"Goodbye, D'Eon. I have no time for jokes…" Bernis hung up.

* * *

"Wait!" D'Eon only received a dial tone as a reply. His policeman pal did not believe him at all.

"D'Eon, the kids are gone!" Anna announced. Her expression was one of fear. They could be anywhere in the sprawling house, with two other mobsters on the loose. "I'm sorry…"

"You stay here please, I will look for them," D'Eon said determinedly. He was about to step out when he encountered the black barrel of a pistol pointing in his face. Anna screamed. Robin moved protectively in front of his grandfather. Durand cursed and leapt to his feet.

D'Eon swallowed hard and stepped back. "Now, you free my men before I blow his brains out…" Anna ran to the tied-up goons.

"Don't listen to him!" D'Eon said and raised his makeshift rapier. Anna stopped. D'Eon's nose had detected a faint smell of something familiar. He hoped his deduction was right. "Your funeral," Voronstov pulled the trigger but there was nothing but a wet click. D'Eon made his move with lightning agility. He lunged and skewered the Russian's forearm with his makeshift rapier, pinning him to the wooden door of the lounge and knocking the firearm out of his hand. The coup de grace was a punch to the jaw that knocked the Russian out like a pole-axed ox.

"Tie up him, please, Robin…" D'Eon retrieved his swordfish rapier. He flicked the blood off it and hauled the bulky Russian into position for Robin to tie up.

"D'Eon!" Anna gasped in awe. "Whoa, when did you learn to fence like that?" Durand asked in amazement.

"Mon ami, you are looking at the two-time champion of the France's junior fencing division," Teillagory clapped his hands in admiration of the blond man's skill. "It is clear his skills have not rusted though he has given up the sword for years."

**Author's Notes:**

Some pal Bernis is. Some action for D'Eon in front of his friends.


	16. Return of the Parents

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevalier D'Eon or its characters. This is a modern times fic.

This is the last chapter.

**16. Return of the Parents**

SLAP! D'Eon rubbed his sore cheek and stared into the tearful eyes of Anna. "Don't ever do that again… What if you got shot?" Anna sobbed. "I was so scared you were going to be killed…"

"I'm sorry, Anna…" D'Eon apologized. He felt bad. It was the second time in the same day he scared Anna. D'Eon hugged her and wiped away her tears. "Go ahead and kiss," Robin nudged D'Eon with a wink. Durand grabbed the redhead's collar and tugged him away.

"Go on, kiss and make out…" he teased. D'Eon and Anna flushed crimson and pulled away from each other.

Voronstov was cursing under his breath as he struggled against his bonds. Teillagory kept a wary eye on their captives.

"Oh shut up," the old man swatted Voronstov with a rolled-up newspaper as if he were a disobedient dog. The Russian glared at the old man. Teillagory dealt him a kick to the hip when he continued his futile struggles.

"Keep still till the cops come pick you up, will you? Have you called them yet, D'Eon?" Teillagory asked nonchalantly. D'Eon nodded. "But Bernis did not believe me or that you could beat up two mobsters."

"Just dial for the regular emergency line, not Bernis. You should know he is an imbecile at times," Teillagory scoffed. He was no helpless senior and he would appreciate it if some rookie cop would give him and his status as a former soldier of the French Republic some credit. He had, after all, a couple of medals to his name.

Robin picked up the discarded gun. "Yuck! I think someone peed on this!" He dropped the gun in disgust. This time, it went off, sending a bullet through the ceiling, and raining plaster down. D'Eon felt his knees go weak. _If it had gone off earlier…_

"A gentle reminder, mon ami. Where are the twins?" Durand reminded. There was no sign of the children.

* * *

Pytor staggered out of the washroom and was greeted by the pair sitting in the hallway. "What are you doing out here?" he grumbled as he fumbled with his zipper. The twins sucked on their pacifiers and stared at him. With a shrug, they continued playing pat-a-cake.

"Get out of the way!" Pytor hissed and kicked at them. He caught Natalia on the shoulder. The toddler rolled head over heels. She did not cry out. Instead, she rubbed her sore shoulder and glared at Pytor.

"What are you looking at, brat?" Behind Pytor, Max took a baseball bat from the closet under the staircase and crept up behind Pytor. He tugged hard on the back of Pytor's shirt. The Russian spun around.

"What the- OW!"

Max Jr. whacked Pytor in the nuts with all the force he could muster. The Russian mob boss-wannabe squealed like a stuck pig. He bent double in agony. He made an enraged grab for Max but the boy deftly leapfrogged over him. His sister took this chance to grab the bat and smash it into Pytor's face, breaking his nose and bloodying his face.

"Get back here!"

The tots were not going to be caught so easily. They sped into the hall with the Russian in hot pursuit.

* * *

"Do you hear something?" Robin asked. D'Eon was busy contacting the police. He was giving them their address now.

"Wait here," Durand motioned to his friends to stay put. Taking the pistol for protection, he peered out of the doorway and chortled. He could see the twins were really giving Pytor the runabout. He really ought to go help them but they were doing such a good job of beating the man up. He winced as Natalia dealt out another punishing blow to the man's nuts with the bat. Max Jr. unlatched the door and he waved to his sister. Natalia tossed aside her weapon.

The pair dashed out. Pytor grabbed the bat and ran after them. _This was not good!_ Durand ran out after them. He could not let Pytor catch them or he would dash their little brains out with that bat.

"Sic."

The command was delivered in that unearthly calmness that defined his friend of many years.

"Argh! Get him off!" Pytor screamed as a huge Rottweiler savaged him. Durand paused at the doorway. The parents were back. The Robespierres stood beside a cab laden with their luggage and new pets

"You're back…" Durand grinned. "Shouldn't you call that pooch off before the cops come?"

"Maybe," Lia said as she hugged and kissed her precious children. A lazy-looking Great Dane showered the pair with eager licks of is tongue. "It's up to you, honey…" she winked at her husband.

"Back off, boy…" Maximilien Sr. commanded. The Rottweiler ceased its attack. "Sit." Pytor yelled as both Rottweiler and Great Dane sat down on top of him.

Natalia walked up to the dogs. She stood on her tiptoes and whispered into the Great Dane's ear. "Pee-pee?"

The large hound gave a woof and stood up and cocked the leg. "No, no… argh!" Pytor howled as the dog unloaded a stream of pee into his face. Natalia giggled, kissed the Dane's snout and went back to her mother's side. Another howl from Pytor announced that the Rottweiler had followed its comrade's example.

"Durand, you have some explaining to do about why my stepbrother and children were hanging off a national landmark in a hot-air balloon," Max smiled icily as he placed a hand on Durand's shoulder. The brunette gulped. He had some serious explaining to do.

"Well, it wasn't as bad as when D'Eon lost them in the park and my kid sister turned them into gypsies for a day…"

"Durand, you will be tutoring D'Eon for the special effect stunts for _Le Chevalier de Maison Rouge_," Max smiled icily. "You have to prepare a set for Notre Dame Cathedral for the fight sequence. You can work with Robin as well for that."

Durand groaned. His Mediterranean vacation has hit a snag. The work should keep him busy till Christmas.

"Can I keep this, Gramps?" Robin asked Teillagory cheekily as he held the gun they had got from Voronstov. "Definitely not," his grandfather's reply was almost instantaneous. Teillagory took the gun from Robin, emptied the bullets out of it and dumped both gun and bullets into a plastic bag. It was evidence now.

* * *

Sirens announced the arrival of the police. Among them was a sheepish Bernis. Bernis apologised for not believing D'Eon the first time. The cops took the mobsters into custody. They would need to get a doctor to take a look at them and treat their wounds. Max Sr. obligingly called his new dogs off Pytor. Voronstov and the other goons were marched out of the house by the cops. A group of paramedics had also arrived to treat the injuries of the victims. Durand wasted no time in chatting up a cute young woman paramedic. Robin resignedly watched as his grandfather handed the pistol to a policeman.

"Sorry they trashed the place, sis…" D'Eon apologised as he let his sister into the house. "There's a bullet in the ceiling of the lounge…"

"Go get those injuries seen to, D'Eon," Lia gently nudged her brother in the direction of the ambulance. Then she turned to Max Sr. "Dearest, I think we need to re-decorate the place," Lia announced as she surveyed the damage. Her husband placed their luggage down in the hall.

"As you wish, mon cherie…" Max Sr. replied and kissed her on the lips.

"Not now, honey. The police would want to interview us… perhaps later… this reminds me of the time in the Caribbean when we got stranded by a hurricane and…" Lia smiled as she slipped her hand down his…

"Mama?" Max Jr. and Natalia tugged at her skirt. They looked at their parents innocently. The parents paused and exchanged knowing glances.

* * *

D'Eon groaned as he nursed his bruises. "Let me help, D'Eon…" Anna smiled as she unrolled the bandages. She had taken some time off work to nurse him in his apartment. She sighed as her idea of time spent together was not quite what she had hoped.

"D'Eon, will you please take the twins for a while, so that Max and I can fix up the house a bit?" Lia had asked him. She neglected to mention one Rottweiler, a Great Dane and three cats. Teillagory sent Robin over to check on him. Then Durand volunteered the babysitting services of his gypsy sister and her little menagerie of animals. It was a fair crowd in his apartment now.

Now Anna and D'Eon were surrounded by four cats and a goose while the twins roughhoused with the dogs. The landlord would have a fit if he saw the animals. D'Eon's apartment did not allow pets.

Robin and Yvette had crawled into the tent and it was now shaking suspiciously. "Durand would kill you if you mess with his sister," D'Eon reminded him. The tent quit shaking.

"We need to feed the twins," Yvette crawled out of the tent with her collar undone, "I have my goat downstairs." The gypsy straightened her blouse and smoothed down her skirts. Robin was fumbling with his jeans. The Rottweiler yawned, cocked his leg and peed on a corner of the sofa to D'Eon's dismay. Anna immediately took hold of a mop to soak up the mess.

"I'm going out with Yvette, to walk the dogs…" Robin added. He winked at D'Eon. Yvette took the twins by the hand and Robin took charge of the dogs' leashes. Cats and goose followed the youngsters out of the apartment. The door shut behind them.

_Peace at last…_ Anna kissed D'Eon on the lips as she sat down next to him. D'Eon wondered if his sister was enjoying herself with Max Sr. as much as he was with Anna.

Then there came a sound of screams, bleating and barks. D'Eon and Anna rushed to the window. In the street below, Yvette and Robin were scuffling with some cops while the twins rode the dogs in circles round them. Yvette was screaming something about being a French citizen and not being deported.

"I'm calling Bernis…" D'Eon muttered.

"I'll call Lia," Anna added. She winced as the Rottweiler sank its fangs into a cop's leg at Max Jr.'s command.

**Author's Notes:**

This is the end of the babysitting fanfic. No prizes for guessing why D'Eon gets unloaded with the twins by Max and Lia.

Even away from D'Eon, the twins can still wreck his date.


End file.
